whipped
In a park waiting for my friend. I feel like I’m on top of everything but still have a pit of anxiety in my stomach.
I feel hollow.
many hours later - sitting on a couch at home. Read some blogs and watched some videos on learning a new language.
The reason I’m sitting downstairs and not in bed is I made an open invite for people to come over to play pickleball. No one’s showed up.
Last week no one showed up and same with the week before.
The week before that week I had people.
I think it’s… well I think it’s a couple things. I haven’t marketed it very well. The invites I’ve sent out are general and to group chats, not to specific people. Also, the reminders I send are not timely. Today for example I sent a reminder text out at 4pm, that’s just 3 hours before the event.
The venue is nice but not very convenient. It’s out of town and a lot of the people I invited I don’t know that well or am not that close with.
I’m not too upset by it as I’m usually tired by that time and I’m kind of relieved when no one shows up. Today, for example, I edited and uploaded some podcast episodes while I waited for people to arrive and watched some YouTube videos. It’s been nice.
I’d like to have people over more. Or go out to see people more. That’s something I think I haven’t been doing that brings me a lot of joy. I think I need more of that in my life. I’m putting in the effort but haven’t found that sweet spot yet.
I also would like more women in my life. I really like women. I was thinking today of making myself a dating profile for an app or two but I’m not sure. I’ve never really used an app to date before. I’d prefer to get a recommendation from someone I know or find someone out in the wild. But on the other hand I’m not sure.
I’ve heard that the sexual market place is pretty messed up these days. I was watching an economist explain that based on apps and employment and wealth distribution essentially 80% of the women are chasing after the top 20% of men. So 80% of men if they are not high status enough have been written off as suitable mates.
I honestly don’t know if I’d make it into the 20%. I’m relatively conventionally attractive but not that rich and kind of fat. My family is kind of wealthy but not that much so I feel like that boosts my status a bit and also I am typically able to make women laugh which I’ve been told is important.
However, I do become quite nervous when a potential sexual mate or situation presents itself so I’m not quite sure how to navigate through that next time it comes up.
In my mind I think “oh I can handle that, I’ll be suave” but in practice I really don’t think I’m that smooth. I’d like to gain more confidence in that area of my life but a part of me thinks that I should focus on getting closer to God and not be chasing pussy.
I would say I’m a sucker for pussy. Most of my life I think I’ve let women take the lead or take charge of what I’m doing. As long as I’m sexed I’ll typically do whatever I’m told. Too an extent.
I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not. One of things that I think lead to a lot of unhappiness in my previous relationship was me gaining a lot of weight and getting a lot less sex. It drove me absolutely crazy. It made me resent her and resent myself.
I don’t blame her for it. I mean I wouldn’t want to fuck some heavy breathing loser either.
I lost a lot of respect for myself and my self image crashed. So when it came to sex with her I lost all my confidence. I’d be so shameful and guilty, I’d lose attraction for her because she’d stoop down to have sex with me. I was really disgusted with myself.
I think I was disgusted with myself too because I kind of became everything my younger self hated and despised.
I stopped working hard. I became entitled and snobbish and slothful. I looked around me for things and people to blame. I shucked responsibility. I leaned on connections and family to make my life easier. I used people. I stopped caring for myself and I stopped or couldn’t care for others. I became selfish and self centred. I became someone I really didn’t like. Someone who I loathed.
And today, to an extent, I’m recovering from being that person. There are still many behaviours of mine I really dislike. Although I think there is less shame and guilt; it is still there and rears its head some days more than others.
I think it will always be there. And the challenge is to live a good life despite it being there. To take it out for walks like a dog. To tire it out, exercise it in healthy ways, so it doesn’t turn back on me and destroy me so thoroughly like it did before.
Yeah I think for a while there I let my virtues become small and my sins large. I’d like to strengthen my virtues. I think I started out life good and lost myself along the way.
I think making life less about me is good. I think it’s healthy and what will actually in the long run heal me.
I’m not sure what that looks like yet but I’m going to do my best to find what that is. I think I’m closer to finding it than I once was.
Am I near it, I don’t think so. But I do think I’m heading in the right direction.
Or at least a righter direction.