whipped
In a park waiting for my friend. I feel like I’m on top of everything but still have a pit of anxiety in my stomach.
I feel hollow.
many hours later - sitting on a couch at home. Read some blogs and watched some videos on learning a new language.
The reason I’m sitting downstairs and not in bed is I made an open invite for people to come over to play pickleball. No one’s showed up.
Last week no one showed up and same with the week before.
The week before that week I had people.
I think it’s… well I think it’s a couple things. I haven’t marketed it very well. The invites I’ve sent out are general and to group chats, not to specific people. Also, the reminders I send are not timely. Today for example I sent a reminder text out at 4pm, that’s just 3 hours before the event.
The venue is nice but not very convenient. It’s out of town and a lot of the people I invited I don’t know that well or am not that close with.
I’m not too upset by it as I’m usually tired by that time and I’m kind of relieved when no one shows up. Today, for example, I edited and uploaded some podcast episodes while I waited for people to arrive and watched some YouTube videos. It’s been nice.
I’d like to have people over more. Or go out to see people more. That’s something I think I haven’t been doing that brings me a lot of joy. I think I need more of that in my life. I’m putting in the effort but haven’t found that sweet spot yet.
[redacted... for now]
I think making life less about me is good. I think it’s healthy and what will actually in the long run heal me.
I’m not sure what that looks like yet but I’m going to do my best to find what that is. I think I’m closer to finding it than I once was.
Am I near it, I don’t think so. But I do think I’m heading in the right direction.
Or at least a righter direction.