what i want to be when i grow up
I’m going to keep writing because I don’t know what else to do and I’m just going to keep writing until the feeling of doing something productive takes over.
Now I just want to lay back down, eat, jerk off… not workout. Not edit podcast. Not look for job. Not go door to door in the neighbourhood and drop of baked goods…. Maybe that’s a good idea. Neighbourly. Not fix the golf simulator. Not talk to girls. Not talk to friends. Not Go for walk…. That might be another good idea. A walk. Maybe I’ll do that, that sounds like it might be good for me. Get some steps in.
A walk is considered fine for monk mode. I want to cut my hair. I’m in between buzz cut and just buzzing the sides. I feel like a little boy.
Maybe not a little boy. I feel like for the first time in my life I can be who I want to be. And I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I don’t know if that’s healing or reversion. It feels good and freeing. It feel like I should have been doing this stuff when I was young. Like 13 through 22 not now. Not as I’m turning 30.
30… wow. Three months nine days. I’ll be 30.
Good or bad? Good and bad. And everywhere in-between.
I want to be an artist. A writer. A DJ. A polygamist. A yoga teacher. A zen master. A poet. A rapper and a singer. A latin guitarist. A musician. An investor. An art appreciator. A photographer who takes tasteful photos of nude women. A man who gets tasteful pictures taken with nude women. I want a tattoo. I want freedom.
All these repressions, free at last. Come on out. Just be free.
I want to be a person who changes. Who moves and shifts. To be like water; take the shape of my container. And leak out the cracks when it no longer suits me.
I what to be fluid, flexible, fastidious. An oxymoron. An enigma. Hard to define. Hard to pin down. Hard to be seen or known. A mystery.
Why would I want to be anything else? Why would I tell anyone I’m anything but that?
To be defined is to be known. To be known is to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to be at risk of being destroyed.
I will reveal what I am when I no longer want to be that. I want to be someone who controls their own destruction. Their own demise.
Perhaps sometimes I wish to be out of control, unseemly, rude, selfish, conceited, and selfish.
I hope more often to be kind, honest, truthful, generous, respectful, enthusiastic, charismatic, altruistic, committed.
A man of virtue more than of sin. But no man is free of sin.
That is what I wish to be.