walking that dog in me
Another writing session. It is 6:55AM.
What will I write about… I don’t know. I have been watching The Young Pope with Jude Law. I’ve been enjoying it. It was shot in 2016. 10 years ago now… wow. Lots has changed since then; or has it?
Like I was saying, I like it. The cat this morning is active. I think he wants outside… I’ll let him outside.
He didn’t want to go outside.
The past two times I’ve written things have felt good. Last night I journaled with pen and paper. I journaled about baseball. I’ve been reading a book my Uncle lent me called Ball Four by Jim Bouton. He was a baseball player in the late fifties early sixties. At the start of the book he is 29 turning 30. Just like me.
It’s a good book. It’s a diary of sorts about his last playing days; trying to stay in the big leagues. Trying to keep playing, trying to not look old.
In this show, the young pope that is, a lot of the priests and cardinals are having sex and are corrupt. In another I show I watched, Suburra, an Italian show set in Rome, a lot of the priests had sex and/or were corrupt in it as well. In V for Vendetta, one of the priests was corrupt and was blackmailed or killed through sex as well. I wonder if that’s something that happens often, given it so often is represented in media? I’m not sure. Or maybe it’s something to do with the provocative image of the corruption of piousness. It’s hard to look away from something like that. Good entertainment.
In the scene I’m watching now one of the cardinals is at a cocktail party drunk. A woman is coming on to him. He feels guilty about denying the priesthood of a young man for allegedly being gay and the young person jumped off a building. He laughed and told the woman he was sad and alone and laughed when she stripped in front of him. He fell asleep in the pool of the place he was at and they took him home… oh god… now the guy who drove him home is raping him in the back of the car. Oh no, now they’re fighting. Now the rape guy threw him out onto the street.
Intense scene. I really like the actor of the cardinal, he plays him well. Scott Shepard is the actors name. I like him in the other stuff he is in too.
The show is buffering now. I guess I’ll just focus on writing now instead of splitting attention.
Fuck, that cat. He’s meowing loudly now. What's he want? Food maybe, let me check.
Food bowl full. Plenty of water for him. It was outside… he went outside this time. Classic cat behaviour.
My mom is working out on the treadmill downstairs. I made myself breakfast earlier. Three eggs, toast, some guacamole. It was good. A coffee.
I tried sleeping on the floor last night. Lasted two or three hours. Will try again tonight. Made me feel hard.
Recorded a podcast. Have to tee up some podcasts for distribution. Helped my friend set up his own bearblog yesterday. I’ll plug it when he posts something.
Biked for 90min, 60min at a Zone 2 heart rate. Felt uncomfortable at first but felt good by the 25-30min mark. Today is strength day. Pretty easy… I hope.
I’m going to have to do something adventurous today or I will be at risk of throwing off my routine. When I don’t have risk/adventure planned I will create risk/adventure with things that shouldn’t be messed with. Like a dog left alone at home too long ripping up the couch. That is me. Except the couch is my goals and relationships and life.
Need to walk that dog in me.
I wonder if anyone reads these? I doubt it. A part of me hopes they do… and what do I hope they think when they read these?
Wow Raiden, you are a great writer! Here have this job as a writer, here is some money for writing about whatever it is you want to write about. Here are some celebrities that will interview you and make you famous. Here are the keys to a brand new car and a new house and a maid and a butler. Here’s a schedule of dates with attractive women you will be going on for the next three weeks. Here’s this opportunity and that opportunity and here’s this and here’s that. Here’s all this free stuff and success and recognition. Here’s adulation and fanfare. Here’s some stock to my company, please write about it. Here’s power and influence. Here’s the fountain of youth. Here’s fame and fortune and everything you could dream of. Here’s the envy of your peers and family and friends of friends. Here’s new friends and invites to parties and invitations to things you can say no to but brag that you were invited to.
Yeah, that would be nice I guess.
I guess I write all this because I don’t really know what to do? No job or volunteer or calling draws me towards it. No obligation or vision. No this or that.
Just a deep disgust in myself for not doing anything valuable paired with an intense aversion for doing anything I don’t want to do. So far has just led to shame. Deep shame.
Maybe writing is ok to just do. I don’t want to do anything else. I don’t do anything else well.
It’s not much. It’s not building a house or a machine. It’s not delivering a baby or fixing a car. It’s not returning shareholder value or merging or acquisitioning. It’s not obviously marketable, not the way I’m doing it at least. But maybe one day it might provide value to someone somewhere.
Even if that never happens; that’s the hope that keeps me writing. Because I don’t really know what else I can contribute of worth.
Stay true to yourself out there.