trapped; but free
When my parents come home I want to leave the house.
A deer walks over the bridge out front.
My throwness really got to me today.
There is something in me.
The sun is setting.
Doom scrolling the algorithm. The shiny brick that keeps me smitten.
The techno-state is here. The slow collapse of one thing; the gradual birth of another.
I can’t help but feel I am not apart of it. I am scared in times like these.
——-
I have faith in God.
He will keep watch over me. And I will serve Him with my works.
Do not fear. Be in peace.
Be in peace.
——-
I tried leaving my phone downstairs. I went for a walk but as soon as I returned I grabbed it and brought it upstairs with me.
I powered it off just now. 9:02pm.
Let’s see how long I can go without powering it back on.
I can feel the friction and the pull of the phone. The discomfort of the emotional pain, like an open wound, from living here.
Trapped; but free.
A psychological torture chamber.
There were a lot of mosquitoes outside. My legs are covered in bites.
My parents are downstairs.
I kissed a girl in Halifax this weekend. It sucked; and not in the good way.
There was a pretty girl at the bar Thursday. There was a pretty girl on the party boat Friday. I was too nervous to talk to them. I regret not doing so.
Sigh.
Dear god the psychological pain is bad. My cousin asked me if a I want a job from his friend I should say yes but I don’t want to disappoint my other friend I’m doing AI stuff with. I don’t want to disappoint my cousin.
I want the money and the carpentry skills and stability from the job but not the… having a boss.
The trade off of freedom.
Perhaps I am too free at the moment. Too lackadaisical. Perhaps a job and just that could be good for me. Perhaps it could be good to learn fly fishing from this guy too. And the skills needed for this house. It’s scary but could be worth it.
9:15pm. Turned my phone on. Gave the job guy a call. No pick up.
Left voicemail and a text. All good.
In his court. A lot of racing thoughts. This weekend made me think I’ll never love again.
The callous on my heart thickens.