today is my mom's birthday
Today is my mom’s birthday. We celebrated with a dinner.
We rented tables and chairs from a party rental place the day before and had a 80th birthday party for my Nonna (grandmother).
I saw family members but also I didn’t. I ate a lot of food. I directed traffic and moved stuff.
I washed some dishes. I worked out and laid on the ground and disassociated.
I went over to a friends place and uploaded podcasts episodes to the internet. I drank water. I thought about things and fretted over much.
I moved the tables and chairs into the back of the truck so I can just drive to the rental place in the morning. I watched instagram reels and YouTube videos.
I fretted more. I thought about writing stuff. I learned about abuse and how it affects the mind of a son.
I ate a really good cheesecake.
I saw friends instagram stories and thought about how much more cinematic their lives seem.
I got excited and scared. One after the other but also at the same time.
I saw a deer, a rabbit, some birds. I saw three owls together the other day at dusk. I hope I see the elk around here before the summer ends.
I often think about what will happen when my loved ones die. I hope it’s not for a while still. I told my dad I loved him and my mom she was a good mom.
I want to be a dad sometimes but I don’t have the funds or the stability. I don’t want to inflict the same level of despair I feel a lot of the time to a child.
I’ll just play video games and learn to live with less. Let myself wither away and blow off into dust. Keep myself alive until my parents die then disappear and die myself.
I wish, I don’t know for what… to feel hope. I don’t feel much hope these days. Sometimes I do what the therapists say and lie to myself and say that hope is there but I know it is not. I hope that it is not.
Because what if hope is there and does exists. What if hope is still alive and I just have let it slip away.
I don’t know. Most of the time I don’t know. Everything is mostly I don’t know with a sprinkle of I kind of know.
I wish I could make sense of it all.