taking a bath
Writing on a bike. A stationary bike. The back tire popped the other day.
I tried to bike outside today. On another bike. Filled its tire. Back was flat. Couldn’t find a helmet. Went in and out of the house maybe 10+ times trying to get things I needed.
Friction. Anger. Annoyance. Not calm.
45min into indoor bike ride. 28min in zone 2. Supposed to go 90min in zone 2. I’m just using my Apple Watch to track my heart rate. Probably not that accurate.
Trying to practice mindfulness. Difficult. Butt’s starting to hurt. Hitting a wall. Keep breathing, keep going. Second wind’s coming.
Moody last week. Moody this week. Sad, stressed, worried. withdrawing. Isolating. Isolated. Isolate.
Peddle faster. Dropped to zone 1. With the popped back tire my cadence has had to be quite high. Quick feet, quick feet. 144 is good heart rate. Peddle faster when lower. Slower when higher.
First bike ride this week. No swim. Did I run? I think I skipped rope instead. Gained weight this week. Weighed myself last night. 253 lbs. up 4 lbs. from last time I weighed-in last week.
Makes sense. Didn’t feel great. Ate lots more. Worked lots less. Not eating the best. Binging on bread/carbs.
Definitely do not have the best relationship with food. I feel so out of control with it. It’s an emotional thing for me. Tough.
Glad I’m on the bike. Glad I went to friends and recorded podcast. Didn’t want to do it but glad I left the house and did.
Finished the bike. It took me 2 hours 3 minutes and 58 seconds to complete ~90 minutes of biking at a zone 2 heart rate. I stretched a bit afterwards.
I also weighed myself again and I was at 250lbs. Down ~3lbs from yesterday. I don’t know how that works. Maybe I was carrying around 3 lbs of poop.
Want to write more but also want to leave to friends house.
I’ll do that now. If I write more it will be after that.
Friend cancelled. Making food now.
Got some touqe’s ready and a children’s book as a christmas/birthday present for them. He invited me over to give me a Christmas present and I didn’t get him anything. I think what I scrounged together is a good gift. I hope.
Having spinach and tuna for dinner. Past couple days I’ve eaten bread and butter and coffee. Not much else. Oh and almond butter and banana sandwich. Ate those yesterday or the day before, can’t remember.
I took a baguette from the freezer, ripped it in half and microwaved it. I then opened it with my hands and toasted it. There was a new almond butter jar in the pantry and I opened it. It was nice and flowy at the top and I dumped it onto the bread. I then stuck a banana in and ate it. Did that eight times. Had two baguettes. Each half a baguette made two sandwiches. It was messy.
That was probably. I don’t know. A lot of food. I ate until I had to lie down.
I do that often. Eating until I need to lie down. I’m a big person. The sheer amount of food I can eat is impressive.
I don’t think what I do is very kind to my body. To my self.
It feels uncontrollable at times. I’ve been working on strategies.
It would cause fights with my ex. I think it bugs my parents. It would bug me. Nothings safe.
My stomach hurts. Probably has to do the four Premier Protein Café Lattes I drank this morning. On the package it says not to drink more than one a day.
That and the two coffees at my friend’s house. And the electrolyte powder thing I found in pantry that was coagulated and probably 3-4 years old.
Doubt any of that was helping my stomach much today.
Well at least I’ve got my tuna and spinach. Hope the body likes that.
If I could make a wish. My wish would be that I didn’t find cleaning up after myself so hard. That’s what’s caused most problems in my life.
Public speaking no problem. Organizing my room, most days, I’d rather pull my nails off with pliers.
Wish I wasn’t so dramatic. Wish I was this or that. Some days wish I wasn’t me.
Wish wash.
Wishy washy.
Scrub dub.
Three men in a tub.