Strangeness (2/4)
something I wrote on wednesday (2/4)
Strangeness in the air today. Hot and sunny. Nausea and hunger. Exhaustion, energy, fatigue.
Fear. Excitement.
Procrastination. Distraction fills the void.
Easy to change just won’t do it. Lay down and sleep instead.
The day was over before it started. We’ll try again tomorrow.
Guilty shame. Shameful guilt. Acting like a little boy. I am a little boy. I wish I was a man but a little boy is all I am.
A little boy who is scared, fearful, unsure and unprepared. I was a man once but that was when I was little.
Now I am older I am just a boy. Fragile and weak. Easy to frighten and quick to run away.
I try to be a man. I pretend I am in front of others. It’s easy to pretend when others are around but when it’s just me the little boy can not hide.
He sits in his room and sulks and waits and wonders. He hopes his parents will come to soothe him but they don’t exist any more. They too now are just other people.
He is waiting for someone to save him but no one is coming. He must save himself. Parent himself. Be there for himself.
He doesn’t know how to do this yet. But he was a man once and he can be one again.
Maybe one day he can protect others but today he must protect himself. He must learn to protect himself because the man who protected him before is dead.
He must become the man now. He must become him again.