speaking in tongues
Iranian-American war started this week. Listening to this. Interesting times.
I had a body keeps the score moment the day before yesterday. On Saturday I went to bed listening to a “trauma releasing hypnosis” and didn’t think much of it. The next day I was sore and achy. I went swimming with my Grandpa in the morning. I hung back and read a book at his apartment. My grandpa’s sister’s son and his two daughters came by.
They are Lugers; they baked my Grandpa cookies. We had a visit; they told us about their luge and school and a bit about oil and mountain developments and then they left. My cousin then came by and repotted some plants for my Grandpa. While he was re-hydrating some soil I was talking to my Grandpa about some career advice; I don’t know if I should have done this. He basically told me that I need to decide what I want to do. It made me feel a way.
I drove home and realized I left my phone at my Grandpa’s; I decided to leave it. Then I stopped at a trail near a river and went for a walk. I saw three moose; a mom and two babies. Later in the walk I flock of cedar waxwings sang and feasted on berries in the poplar forest; it was cool to see. I walked all the way to a beaver dam, frozen of course. I crossed the river, which was sketchy. The trail circled back and I got in my car and drove home.
On the way home I stopped at a range road. My whole life I’ve been passing these range roads and never have driven down them. I drove down this one; just passed a tree farm. I parked on the side of the exit on the loop back and walked over to the carcass of a dead elk on the side of the highway. Besides some of the head and two legs it had been picked clean by the crows and coyotes. It was cool to see the skeleton.
I then finally made it home. It was sunny.
I FaceTimed my grandparents in Italy and talked for a while. They seem like they are having a good trip.
I was tired and started watching this Netflix show about the assignation of James Garfield by Charles J. Guiteau. Guiteau was played by the guy who plays Tom in Succession. It was a good performance.
After the FaceTime I hoped in the massage chair and watched the show. I focused the chair on my lower back which felt the most tight/sore. Halfway into the massage I started to breathe heavily. If I wasn’t overcome with the sense of calm I experienced I would have been scared.
I started to breathe heavier and grunt and groan and moan. Spit formed in my mouth and I spit it on the floor. I then began to stretch and it felt good. Still heavy breathing but still a sense of calm. A sense that this was needed. At feeling at being at peace; that this was a healthy experience.
I went up to my room and stripped naked. I thought to jerk off because when I feel these strange sensations in my body I masturbate sometimes to make the feeling go away. Perhaps that is a sign. I decided not to masturbate but to stretch and move my body like a contortionist dancer. It felt amazing. Again still, heavy breathing, grunting and moaning. Now accompanied by a low yell and growling. Still an intuition of calm; of healing. The thought did cross my mind that perhaps one of the cookies the Lugers brought was poisoned. I thought to call for an ambulance but again I was awash with a sense that this needed to happen.
Now naked writhing and wriggling on the floor, standing up, moving around. More spit and some flem; a low growl. Primal. Like an animal. I thought; maybe a shower or a poop. Something to change the state I was in. I went into the bathroom and spat more into the sink. I watched myself in the mirror.
It’s as if I was and observer at a zoo. I was inside my head peering through the glass which were my eyes. Watching a beast in a cage. Rage and anger and growling coursed through me. A scowl appeared on my face. A grimace. A war face. And growling and roaring now. And shaking. And I struck a pose of great defence. Hands on the counter, my foot braced on the wall. Prepared for attack.
And still the me inside watching this take place was very calm. Excited really. Relieved. I knew there was something in my body. Grief, pain, misery, sadness, anger. Being stored there. I was glad this was happening in a safe place, alone at home. Only me to witness myself in such a primal state.
And I roared like an animal. I deep roar. Like a lion or a bear. A big cat. A warning roar. And I began to speak in tongues. It was like from a movie when the devil or demon inside a person come out to speak. When it is in control. But it wasn’t in control; it’s as if it was being cast out. And this whole thing lasted maybe 20 minutes but it felt like it was an hour.
And after my body released. It’s as if I had been wound up for years, decades, and now for the first time was released.
The soreness gone. The tightness gone. A lightness of a child like quality took over. Looking into the mirror again it’s as if for the first time in a long time I saw the little boy in me. The person who enjoys laughter and play. The little me incensed with a wonder for the world. I saw him again and I said good to see you, it’s been a long time.
And my hips. My hips felt good. My legs felt strong. My body felt tired but lighter and more limber.
I had never experienced something like this before.
But I would recommend it to anyone.
I sat down and played my guitar and I sang a song.
I sang. I haven’t done that since maybe I was fourteen. I made up the words as they came along and I made funny noises with my mouth and it was delightful and pure. I felt like a kid making as much noise as possible just because I could. Because it was fun.
The feeling lasted until night. And the next day as well I felt light and powerful. Tired but good.
I’m not sure what it means. But it felt healthy.
I hope I’m able to continue with whatever caused it.
It’s scary but in a good way. I hope.