six seven
Sitting on the floor of my room. Cross legged at the foot of my bed. Warm wind of a chinook blowing in today; I have the windows open. It sounds like God’s low rumble of a whisper. That is when it gust to drown out the trucks from the highway or the places flying overhead.
Most of the snow not in shade has melted. It’s tranquil for now. Birds chirp. I saw a squirrel or two. The trees shake.
I haven’t sat cross legged on the floor in a while. Feels good.
Ate too much today. Made me feel kind of gross. Too much coffee as well. Went on my stationary bike for 35min or so. Didn’t want too; glad I did.
Made a hinge account yesterday. Humiliating. Saw a friend of the girl I saw between November-December. No matches yesterday. No matches today. Didn’t feel very good seeing that.
I don’t like my photos; I think I look fat. But oh well, putting myself out there.
My friend and I interviewed chatGPT promoting it to be our dating coach. It was fun and funny. It told us we should be shooting for one date a week. That’s a tall order.
Yesterday I was pining for my ex. It sucked. This morning kind of the same. It’s a hard emotion to process. The grief. We had a weenier dog; I miss cuddling the dog.
I cried yesterday and I cried today. Watched a video about mapping your family genogram and I did it for myself. It made me cry. I’m not sure why, but it moved something in me.
A flock of birds just flew by.
I found a bible that I had found on the street on some random adventure I went on a few years back. I read quite a bit of it yesterday. At the back it has a page that lists a verse or two to read each day of the year. If you just read those it would take 2 years to read the entire Bible. It suggested reading a verse from year 1 in the morning and year 2 in the evening to complete the Book in one year. I did that yesterday. I read today’s morning verse maybe 20min ago. I’ve found it calming and reassuring.
I watched a video the other day and it was talking about how to strength your relationship with God. It was a good video; you can watch it here. It had an exercise to meditate/pray…
A big gust of wind just now as I was typing that sentence. Cool.
…meditate/pray for 5 or 10 min a day and for the first week ask God, “Lord, show me my sins”. The second week ask, “Lord, show me my attachments”. The third week, “Lord, show me my defects”. On day two of week one and He seems to be showing me alright.
It’s like the sankalpa in yoga Nidra meditation. Or at least that is how I am treating it. A centring sentence. Something to ground you to the divine within you; a divine that’s larger than you.
It’s an interesting parallel to witness. A helpful parallel to know. I think taking the shame out of it is important. Or at least that's what I’m trying to do. Noticing my “sins” recognizing I can do better or I can ask God to forgive me, help me, to provide me strength when I am weak. Not lacerating myself with shame like I might once have done. It feels more healing that way. More helpful. More in the right direction.
I was sad yesterday. I was sad this morning. It’s not normal sadness. It’s… I don’t know what it is, but when I feel that way I want to pull time forward. Bring myself to the next point in time when the feeling has gone away. Like skipping a scene in a movie or on Netflix.
It’s gone away for now. Working out usually helps. I read the morning Bible phrase, that helped. It helped yesterday as well.
I’ve been afraid of religion for a long time. I’m not sure when exactly, but there was skepticism from my Dad and his sisters and then my cousins. I’m not sure why exactly. I’m sure the scandals and the conformity and the dogma might have turned them off. But I never really experienced that. I just experienced the innocence of the story telling. The rituals. The parables.
I was too young for the messy adult stuff by the time we stopped going.
I hope you speak kindly to yourself today.