projection
I really enjoy thinking about whatever comes into my head. Sometimes that is one or two things; more often it is 10 things.
My attention ping pongs around the 10 things being thought about in parallel.
Think of a man spinning plates or juggling. That is kind of like me. When the thoughts are stressful it sucks but when the thoughts are new and nuanced and interesting (even challenging but not so much to the point of distress) it is really fun.
I like thinking about things, I think it is rewarding.
I think sometimes I feel shame around doing this because on the outside it does look I am doing nothing. It might look like laziness or sloth or idleness. And sometimes it is that; but often there is other things going on in there. And sometimes it is distressful sure; but a lot of the times it is interesting.
I have been thinking about the idea of being an “intellectual” recently.
I think growing up in my household I was exposed to a certain, maybe not animosity, perhaps conceit or envy about intellectuals. I think this stems from a view from my parents and grandparents that intellectuals don’t really do anything and get paid well to do it.
And I think part of them respected them because the world did; but also yeah they also didn’t like them.
And I notice that in myself.
I first noticed it in the way my dad, first generation university educated but in an unrelated field, and his dad, high school educated, talked about engineers. They ran a concrete form work company together and worked together for many years doing hard physical and mentally demanding jobs.
They would often call engineers idiots.
And I would notice it in the way my grandparents dialectically seemed to revere my grandmother’s sister (a lifetime student) and brother-in-law (a university professor).
I remember thinking of it as odd. Because there was the visceral emotional reaction to these people that communicated one thing to me but the words that would come out of their mouths would contradict their demeanour.
And I don’t think it was or is malicious.
I think my interest in social class dynamics stems from these early observations.
and I find this split in me. One part of me yearns for the approval of men and women who “work”; because their lives are hard and constrained and truly “doing hard things” as the trope goes.
And another part wants to enjoy the beautiful life of getting to interact with other curious, intelligent, social people over coffee in offices, around some leisure based activity.
A more humanistic life than one of brutal frontier aesthetic.
And I recognize this duality.
And I often am conflicted by this duality.
And I often find not everyone thinks about this duality.
Even if I see it in them.
Many are blind to it.
Or maybe I am just projecting.
What do you think?