poervtry(r.i.p. John Will)
I will try to write for 26 minutes. That will take me to 1pm.
Yesterday I cried an ugly cry. It felt good. I cried in front of my friend. I think that was an important thing to let myself do.
I went to bed not early but earlier than the day before.
I still feel guilty for skipping out on work and working out. But I think what I did last week and today has been what is right for me.
A lot of good happened this weekend. A lot of strange.
I am having trouble focusing today; I am noticing myself getting frustrated with my lack of focus. I am distracting myself from feeling my feelings. I have closed my eyes and am typing with my guys closed;. I wonder if this will be readable; even nu me; {rpnanlu mot nut also not as and as I think it will be.
All those years of paratyper coming in handy right now.. kind of; I would only really play the level to where tyoiu had to type fj to try and get on the high score list. That was the meta.
Opened my eyes and yeah not that bad.
I don’t really know what to do. Probably nothing would be the advice of the zen master Laozi. But I want to do something but I don’t know what. I know the answer lies in sitting still and letting it rise from within me. But that takes time and patience and suffering. I don’t want to suffer. But I must. But no. But yes.
Conflict. Internal.
The conflict within causes conflict without. Settle the conflict within and you settle the conflict without.
Breath.
I know this is the way; but i am scared of the way. That is ok to be scared. The way is scary. But not taking it is scarier.
My legs are shaking. My body knows there are things within me that I need to align. I have become unsunk; i need to be re-synced; so I can be nsync.
My aunt and uncle have a piece of art in their bathroom that reads poervtry. A portmanteau of poverty and poetry. When I pee there I think about it. I think about often when I am not peeing too. I think about it every time a drive past someone doing the fentanyl-fold. I think about it when I go to a fancy dinner I need to wear a suit for. I think about it often in day to day life.
I find that in this life I often feel rich and poor at the same time. I often feel dialectic things like this often. And it makes life confusing. And it makes life beautiful. And it makes me laugh and cry.
And it makes me nostalgic for times when things made more sense. And it makes me hope for a future where one day I’ll be reassured that it all works out.
And if I think about it too much it makes me feel things all at once and it makes me know I am getting to the truth. And the truth is scary and it is pretty raw. And I think it is important but it is really hard to take in. And it is really hard to sit with. And it is easier to not let it in at all.
And I hope one day I can sit down with myself and not need. Or if I do need not judge myself for it.
And I hope one day I can be needed. Or not judge myself if I can not help the one who needs me.
And I hope one day I can be just me. And not judge myself for being just that.
I texted my uncle; the artists name is John Will. He was from Calgary. He died this year.
Thanks for making that piece John.
It is now 1:13pm.