patience
Let’s write for an hour.
That seems to be all I have at the moment. I am listening to the NIV Bible reading by David Suchet. Although I just changed to listen to 𝗚𝗢𝗗 𝗢𝗡 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗖𝗢𝗗𝗘 碼神 | 1990s Ambient Vaporwave. It makes helps me focus more. I think.
Today I went for another swim with my Grandpa. He remeasured the pool at his retirement home and came up with it being 20 meters. I measured today and came up with 16 meters. I don’t know where I got 12 meters from but that is what I’ve been putting into my Apple Watch.
So I changed it in my Apple Watch to now say 16 meters.
He measured it by counting steps. Typically a man’s stride length is about 1 meter. That’s what I did too. I do have longer legs than him so it makes sense it took me less strides. Maybe I was taking larger strides before.
I think I’ll have to remember a tape measure at some point to get a more accurate reading.
This week was a slog. My mood was all over the place. You can tell by my writing.
I need to lock in on a goal or a constraint or something to get me locked back in. Running for politics was good because it had a defined end date and a goal.
Perhaps something like that would be good for me to do again. There are some more elections coming up. I’ve been thinking about running but also… I don’t know… not really wanting to do it at the same time. It was tiring doing it and did it really feel like something I want to dedicate my life to? I’m not sure.
Maybe I’m just being lazy. Or selfish? Shellfish.
I had a good breakfast this morning. I then came home and ate a left over hamburger and the rest of the angel/white chocolate cake from last night.
It was good in the moment but… didn’t make me feel great after. Oh well.
I found the cookbook The Joy of Cooking in a cupboard. I like the idea of cooking and was reading it a bit. I did say to my friend on the phone driving back after swimming that doing some meal prep was a goal I had today.
That felt overwhelming though. The idea of cooking. While reading the cookbook I thought about having people over and entertaining and all the good times I’ve had at family and friend gatherings. I then thought about the clean up and the uncertainty about what to make and asking people to come over and the anxiety involved in all of it and it made me anxious.
That’s when I devoured the cake. Stress eating.
My parents hosted a large event at this pickleball facility last… Saturday? Two Saturdays ago. It was fun but it caused them some stress too. Good stress I think but just watching them plan that made me exhausted.
My friend wants to do something similar but a tennis tournament later in the summer. I like the idea but planning is making me feel like how I was feeling while thinking about cooking. Stressed and anxious and excited and overwhelmed.
I wonder why?
If I go deep I think it’s my learned helplessness rearing its head.
Planning events used to be no stress at all on me. I would host parties and people and have friends and people over all the time. And then one day it disappeared. What happened?
I’m sure it didn’t happen all at once. Maybe it happened slowly over time. Around COVID I think. Maybe I am misremembering. Maybe it always has stressed me out.
Social anxiety I think is what it is. And now maybe it’s a generalized social anxiety that’s spread.
I like people but hate them. I like big crowds but I hate them. I love having people over but also hate it.
What a strange juxtaposition. A strange oxymoron. A strange predicament to be in.
To be constantly yearning for something I don’t like. What a strange life I live.
What a strange person I am. Or am I just a person? Is that a normal thing for a human to feel?
I think so. I think that is pretty normal.
I guess the non-normal part is it causing me to want to eat uncontrollably. Well, that too is probably normal. Just not healthy.
It makes me think, "oh maybe I should take a class or go to school". But I know that’s not the answer. The answer is to just do it. Not all at once. Not all together. But one thing at a time. Start small and build from there.
Cook one meal. Host one person. Then two, then more. Take breaks and be gentle with myself.
I know that is the answer. Just not a satisfying one. I want it all, and I want it now.
But I know that’s just not how it works.
Patience. Patience. Patience.