on sitting next to someone at the hospital
my grandpa holding my grandma’s hand
I’m sitting next to my Grandma at the hospital. She couldn’t get off the toilet a few days ago and my Grandpa fell over trying to help her off. He couldn’t get up and he pulled the emergency cord in the bathroom but it didn’t work.
He eventually crawled over to his bed but couldn’t crawl up. He fell asleep and was able to get up in the morning and call for help but my grandma was still sitting in bathroom and when he got back she was on the floor. She’s been at the hospital now for two or three days.
I spent some time with her last night. It was nice my cousin and his wife came by. We FaceTimed his dad, who’s my Uncle. We chatted a long while. I like listening to my cousin talk. He can talk forever which wasn’t a bad thing last night.
His younger brother came by and brought Viet Subs which were delicious. He’s a horticulturist, he loves to talk plants and that was nice too. It was also a nice visit.
My mom’s cousin and her husband came by and we all chatted, it was nice. My mom and dad then came by and they brought a bit of a frenetic energy. I made myself scarce when they got here.
I’m not exactly sure why but it’s like their energy just bugs me. It bugs me that they bug me. I don’t want to feel uneasy just by being around them. I’ve tried to forgive them, tried practising mindfulness, tried breath work, tried talking with them. It’s just a low level upset. Disturbance. Annoyance? Anger. Grief. Guilt. Shame. A lot of mixed and different emotions.
Two palliative care people came in and said it’s likely she’ll pass in the coming days. Perhaps a week. There is a small chance she’ll wake up but just a small one.
I feel a guilty sense of relief from all of this. They say that’s common with family of people with Alzheimer’s. Guilt for the relief of the loved ones death. I feel that. I feel sad for my mom and her siblings. I feel relieved for my Grandpa. It’s been a 10 year weight around the neck of him but really the whole family.
My grandma, in my eyes, played such a large role in the emotional lives of her children and therefore her grandchildren. Maybe, that’s how it seems to me. That’s how it’s affected me at least.
Listening to The Andrews Sisters - Rum and Coca Cola part of a 40s hits playlist. My grandma likes that era of music. She always has.
My aunt called and so did her daughter, i.e. my cousin. We held up the phone to my grandma’s ear for them to talk to her. It seemed like there was a a response from her. A giggle for my aunt. Softer breathing for my cousin.
I talked with my cousin for a bit. She reflected similar feelings about the matter as I have. I ended the call with an I love you. I don’t know if I should have said that.
Saying I love you to my cousin that is. It’s true but it also feels contrived. Dialectic.
The last conversation of significance we had was about her disapproval of the construction project my parents were enabling my grandpa to build. I agreed with her but at the same time felt conflicted about wanting to support my parents. Fence sitting is what I did I guess. Her brother comes in this evening from Manitoba I believe.
The tension is between my parents and her parents and my grandpa. It surrounds money and power and control within the family. I suspect an element of sibling rivalry. A tricky dynamic to say the least.
I’d like it to not affect my relationship with my cousins but I think by its nature it does and to a significant extent I would say. You can tell it’s coming to a head. Or has come to a head. Or maybe it’s all in my head.
I think everyone has tried really hard to not let it effect the relationships but it has. I think it’s been healthy to talk about it. But it’s left a scar that’s become hard to bridge.
Like I said, so it seems from my end. I find it hard to tell sometimes how my cousins or brothers think and feel about it all.
If they think about it at all.