on hating my needs
Listening to a lecture about Calvinism. It’s from a Mennonite church in La Crete. I’m watching it because the concrete company my cousin works for headquarters are in La Crete. The family that owns it is Mennonite. And there’s a rumour they want to sell the business on the condition of keeping the head quarters in La Crete.
I have a fantasy to buy it because I think my Dad’s dream is to own a large construction company. Or to be just very rich. And I want his approval. And I guess the approval of my grandfathers and cousins and brothers and other family members and peers. I think I’ve lost that to an extent and it feels painful to lose that approval. To lose status in one’s social group.
I’ve been trying to detach from it but it is difficult. Sometimes I can detach and that’s good. But even then I can feel a piece of me missing.
I just fell into a wikipedia trap. And an asking questions to ai trap. I feel lonely but also exhausted today. Drained. I feel like I want to be taken care of today. Do you ever feel that way? I feel that way.
I don’t know why. I just do. And I find it shameful because I haven’t done much the past few days. I guess I’ve worked out and written and watched YouTube videos. And cried. And I did record a podcast and helped my friend. I feel bad for wanting to be held and doted on. But I am craving it. I wish I could give it to myself.
I wish I didn’t have to be so vulnerable. Or have to be vulnerable, period.
I know that there is some practice I could incorporate into my life to alleviate this feeling. Connection, meditation, prayer, service, something like that. But I don’t want to change. I don’t want to have to do that. I want to be the one who gives it to myself. I don’t want to need those things. I don’t want needs. I want to be needless. To be invulnerable. Invincible. To give everything and need nothing.
Why do I hate my needs? Why do I hate that I need food and water and shelter? Security. Why do I hate that I need connection and people and friendship and love? Why do I hate that I need all these things? A saying I heard when I was young comes to mind, “Learn to hate what you can not have”.
And I did.
The question is “does this serve me anymore?”.
No, I think not.