Now what?
I spent all day yesterday in bed. Today I’m at risk of doing the same.
Got out of bed and it’s 11am. Sun is shining and it’s hot.
I have to edit two podcasts episodes we recorded this week. I’m not sure how to edit them.
I know I have to get on my computer and download an editing software and perhaps a new operating system.
A want to learn Linux but have been putting it off. I could do that today.
I found three dogs people are giving up on Kijiji. I could pursue that today too.
There’s a guy giving away a few milk crates of records I’ve lined up to pick up. I could do that too, that would take me out of the house.
I could work out. Go for a walk. A run. A hike. I could call a friend.
I could do laundry. I have a big pile of clothes that need cleaning. That would be good because I have a friend coming to visit next week.
I could mop the floors and put away the dishes.
I could brush my teeth and have a shower. Haven’t done that since Tuesday morning.
I could write. I guess I’m doing that now. That’s good.
That’s better than stuffing my face or binging YouTube or lying on the floor disassociating.
I wrote a few things yesterday that would be interesting to post but I feel vulnerable posting.
I could call my aunt and talk to her about going to visit my cousin in Minnesota. I just texted him. That was good.
I made myself a coffee. It’s sitting across the kitchen. Might be cold now. I could get up and grab it and drink it. I could do that.
I could do a lot of things I guess. Although what I really want to do is none of that.
I want to go back up into bed. Draw the curtains and pull the sheets over my head and wait for Friday to come around.
I don’t know why the urge to do that is so strong. I know I spent too much time on YouTube and other social media the past two days and have fried my dopamine receptors in my brain. That would definitely contribute to that.
I also know I need a haircut.
I know a lot of things. I know exactly all the things I need to do. But doing them is the hard part. Starting them on days like yesterday and today feels like pulling off a finger nail with pliers.
It’s something I avoid like the plague. It’s deeply subconscious and I haven’t figured out how to quite outmaneuver my psyche on days like today.
It’s like trying to catch a wild animal. A chase to capture something that does not want to be captured. Happening in real time within me. It’s interesting but also exhausting.
Trying to do things when I am like this is not very fun. Trying to interact with life is not very fun. Trying to pretend that I’m normal when I’m like this is hard and not very fun and at times futile.
I hope no one ever feels this way. Feeling this way sucks. I feel this way so often now that I’m trying to change my view of feeling this way. Because self hatred and frustration are just not working very well in combating it.
I’ve been trying self compassion and lowering expectations on days like today. Celebrating small wins. I actually left my room today and even went outside, that’s a huge deal.
Yesterday I only left my room to eat. Today I left my room to charge my phone and to start writing this long tirade.
Maybe I will post that stuff I wrote yesterday. It’s kind of depressing and dark and weird. But so am I, I guess.
I don’t want this blog to be all my depressive and deranged writings but I do want it to be a place where I can share them. I think it’s important to share them because it’s such a big piece of me. It’s something that’s always there and in me and I need a place to channel that energy so it’s not just at myself anymore.
I am tired of it just being directed at myself. I won’t survive if it’s just directed at myself.
So here is to using writing as an art form to process powerful and uncomfortable emotions. To being therapeutic or cathartic or something that is something.
Whoever reads this. I hope you have a good day. Remember to love yourself and be kind and to be kind to others because you never know who’s having a tough day.
See you in the next one.