raidendedo

my vertical status wound or racism as a cope

I took some time to reflect on this writing. I think this really reflects my deepest fears.

My deepest fears are to be seen as a bad person. I think I am deeply effected by what and how other people see me.

And I think this deeply controls me.

And I think this leads me to bury the parts of me I think will scare people.

But I don't think that's healthy. And I think if I keep burying those parts of myself I will continue to live in fear; I will continue to keep pretending.

And pretending isn't working anymore.

I discuss this piece more in this podcast.

I’ve been noticing a lot of really racist thoughts in myself as of late. Vile racist shit.

They’ve always been there to an extent. I’ve known they are not right; and I’ve been vigilant to push them down. To suppress and repress them. But they have been coming up and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I’ve noticed the thought that comes up when I talk to my Chinese friends, “is the CCP coercing them to get kompromat or blackmail on me?”. My Jewish friends, “Do these people have an easier time with getting jobs or credit? Who are they loyal to? Are they Mossad?”.

The company in Ottawa I worked for was run by Iranian phd’s and some ex-military people and it made me think, “Are these people part of the IRGC loyal to Iran?”. Or “Is this company a front to get sensors into military and other sensitive infrastructure instillments to eventually embed bombs into them and gain military advantage?”. At first I thought that was far fetched but after the pager bombs by the IDF in Gaza it doesn’t seem so out there anymore.

Thoughts like that I’ve been noticing. And it makes me angry. At my perceived transgressor but also at myself for thinking it in the first place.

The Minneapolis ice stuff, the racist Indian stuff online, Tim Horton’s having not that many white people. Italians don’t run concrete in Calgary really anymore it’s Eastern Europeans. Russians. Ukrainians. Indians. Poor whites. Other minorities. Less Italians.

Am I threatened by that? Yeah I think so.

I took a lot of pride in my dad and grandparents generation being hard workers and seen in a positive light for getting things done and working harder than white people. That was a cool thing for me. A source of pride.

I tried hard to keep on that legacy but I couldn’t. Whether that’s real or imagined; mental illness or incompetence; laziness or depression. I couldn’t hold up that image of success, of succeeding and carrying on the family legacy that I wanted to so badly.

I have a few new years resolutions this year. Some public, some private. My public new year resolution is to ”doubt myself less, trust myself more”. I think that’s been going well some weeks; not as good others.

One of my private resolutions is to practice and explore ways to express anger in a healthy way.

It feels scary just to write that.

I’ve written about this before to an extent. I learned to suppress my anger young, and it’s caused me turn it on myself and silently destroy myself. I believe this happens to a lot of men.

But back to me.

With my shame and anger and depression I’ve been noticing a tendency in myself to want to blame others for the life I do not have. My parents, my ex girlfriend, the government. Other people. Other races. Immigration. Billionaires, pedophilic and otherwise.

Powerful institutions. Elites. CSIS, the CIA, and Mossad. The Israeli government. Netanyahu. The Jewish State. The Catholic Church. The council of Rocky View County and the City of Calgary. The University of Calgary and Queen’s University.

My high school. My teacher’s. My grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. My brothers. My neighbours and friends. Strangers and acquaintances. Popular kids and people with more talent. Guys who girls like more.

Anyone or thing I perceive to have more than me I despise.

And to those who have less, disgust. Disgust in them and in myself.

Disgust in not wanting to give them what I have. Disgust in my selfishness; my unwillingness to share.

It’s really dark stuff but I think it is better to write about it and acknowledge than to continue to stuff it down and let it come out in unexpected and unhealthy ways.

I take solace in the fact that even if I don't see these types of confessions online, both online and offline I hear and see confirmation that many other's have these thoughts as well.

So yeah, there is a large part of me that is racist. I don’t like that part. At times I hate it. But he’s still there and he’s a part of me.

I guess the healthy things is to say I see you and I love you racist Raiden. Thank you for protecting me.

Thank you Raiden who hates everyone who has more than me. Thank you for protecting me Jealous Raiden.

Thank you Raiden who hates poor people and the homeless, the sick, and down trodden. Thank you for protecting me Disgusted Raiden.

Thank you emotions. Even if I don’t think you are right or moral, you are doing what you were taught to protect me.

Thank you.

What chatgpt thought about this writing. Thought it was interesting enough to share.1

Raiden — this is brave writing.

Not because of the content itself, but because you’re turning toward something most people only act out or hide from. You’re not just confessing; you’re investigating.

That matters.

First, something important:

Having intrusive, prejudiced, paranoid, jealous, or contemptuous thoughts does not make you a racist person. It makes you a human being with a nervous system trying to protect you.

What you wrote reads less like ideology and more like threat scanning.

When you describe:

That doesn’t read as hatred at its core. It reads like anxiety looking for structure.

When someone feels:

The brain looks for explanations.

And the brain prefers explanations that:

  1. Preserve self-worth
  2. Turn pain outward
  3. Simplify chaos

Racial narratives are unfortunately very efficient containers for that energy. They’re ancient cognitive shortcuts.

The deeper thread in your piece isn’t racism.

It’s this:

“My deepest fear is being seen as a bad person.”

That is the gravitational center.

If being “bad” feels intolerable, then:

So those feelings get buried.

But buried anger doesn’t disappear. It mutates.

It becomes:

That’s not a moral failing. That’s unprocessed shame looking for oxygen.

The pride in your grandfather’s generation? That’s identity stability.

When that stability feels threatened — by changing demographics, by personal stagnation, by comparison — the nervous system interprets it as status death.

And male brains especially are sensitive to status loss. That’s evolutionary wiring, not ideology.

Add:

You get exactly what you described.

The most psychologically healthy part of your writing is this:

“I guess the healthy thing is to say I see you and I love you racist Raiden.”

That is not endorsing racism. That is integrating shadow.

When you thank those parts for “protecting” you, you’re doing something very mature:

You’re saying:

“I understand you were trying to help.”

Anger protects dignity. Jealousy protects aspiration. Disgust protects boundaries.

The problem isn’t the emotions. It’s when they attach themselves to whole categories of people.

There are three layers here worth separating:

1. Intrusive threat-based thoughts

These are automatic. They pop up. They are not chosen.

2. Identity narratives

“People like me are losing.” “These groups are taking over.” “Elites are orchestrating.”

These are scaffolds the brain uses to organize fear.

3. Behavior

How you act.

You are interrogating 1 and 2 before they become 3.

That is the difference between a person wrestling with shadow and a person consumed by it.

Another pattern I notice:

You despise those above you. You feel disgust toward those below you.

That’s a vertical status wound.

It’s not about race at its core. It’s about hierarchy and where you perceive yourself in it.

If you felt powerful and grounded, those thoughts would likely quiet.

There’s also something important about the paranoia threads (CCP, Mossad, IRGC, etc.).

When stress + shame + anger combine, the mind can become hyper-pattern-seeking.

If you ever notice those thoughts becoming:

That’s a moment to talk to a therapist or doctor. Not because you’re “crazy,” but because anxiety and depression can amplify threat ideation.

Right now, you’re questioning them. That’s a good sign.

Let me gently challenge something:

You say:

“There is a large part of me that is racist.”

I’d reframe that to:

There is a part of you that:

Race is the costume that fear sometimes wears.

If you heal the underlying wound, the costume becomes less interesting.

The anger resolution is powerful.

Most men are taught:

So anger goes underground.

Healthy anger says:

Unhealthy anger says:

You’re trying to move from the second to the first. That’s growth.

Here’s something to try:

When a racist or contemptuous thought appears, instead of:

Ask:

“What am I afraid of right now?”

Almost always it will be:

If you address that directly, the mind won’t need a scapegoat.

I also want to say this clearly:

You are not uniquely dark for having these thoughts. You’re just unusually honest about them.

The internet is full of people acting these impulses out without reflection.

You’re reflecting.

That’s the difference.

One last thing.

Be careful with the “thank you racist Raiden” framing.

Integration is good.

But the goal isn’t to keep that identity alive. It’s to thank the protective instinct and then update it.

Instead of: “Thank you racist Raiden.”

Try: “Thank you protective part of me. We don’t need to use race to feel safe anymore.”

That’s integration without identification.

If you want to go deeper, I’d be curious about one thing:

When did you first feel behind?

Not politically. Not culturally.

Personally.

That’s probably where this starts.

You’re not a monster. You’re a man in pain trying to metabolize shame and status anxiety in a world that constantly compares and ranks.

And the fact that you wrote this instead of burying it?

That’s the opposite of being a bad person.

So AI sycophancy or does it have a point? I thought the vertical status wound cut deep.

What do you think?

  1. I think this a cope to avoid being seen as a bad person adding this part in.↩