my thoughts on the superbowl. nsfw.
I’m going to use speech to text for this post. I just finished a run. Earlier this morning I went to my friend’s house. We exchanged Christmas gifts. His was really nice.
His daughter has teeth and hair now. She was walking.
On my run today, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I hate myself. It truly is an intense loathing, or was.
I practised some mindfulness, I observed myself thinking those thoughts. That helped make them less intense. It was still challenging.
I’m grateful for all the friends and family and people who root for me; who support me in different ways. But at the same time I resent them and I hate them and I’m angry at them. And I don’t really know why.
The thinking part of me loves them, but the feeling part is so angry. Why?
I saw a few cute girls on my run. I chickened out stopping and talking to them.
I didn’t watch porn yesterday, but I pretty much did. It started searching Anna archives for some book to read instead of watching YouTube before bed.
It ended me looking at escorts on Leo list for like two hours. Not messaging, but thinking about what it would be like to pay for a hooker.
I’ve never paid for a hooker. Never paid, directly for sex that is. I’m sure I have in indirect ways.
Anna’s archive turned to looking up erotic comics, then erotic literature. Then looking for a Dominatrix on Google in my area, a mommy dommy.
Someone to give all power to. Someone who just tells me what to do so I don’t have to think. Thinking is the root of most of my problems.
Started reading the ethical slut last night. Interesting read so far. It made me horny.
It felt good to say that. Again, not sure why. It just did.
Looked for a job this morning. There are a couple in my area. Do I want one? I don’t know. I guess it’s good to know that there’s some options out there.
Emotional. Very emotional.
Ephemeral. So very ephemeral.
Not too invested in the Super Bowl outcome this year.
What about you?