my insecurity around school
Writing in my car. I drove my brother and his fiancé to the airport this morning. It’s just above -30 deg C.
I had the defroster on blast and a big crack just appeared on my wind shield while driving. I thought it was going to shatter in my face while on the highway.
I got gas and breakfast from McDonald’s. Two McGriddles and two coffees and hashbrowns from the McValue menu. I asked for sausage McGriddles, they didn’t come with eggs. Maybe I had to specify I wanted that?
I was listening to Theo Von interview Chris Hemsworth. Theo Von is funny, I like him. His style.
I ate the food in the McDonald’s parking lot. I like doing that sometimes. Getting food from a drive thru and eating alone in my car. I like the solitude of it.
Now I’m sitting in the parking lot of my Grandpa’s senior home. It’s 6:37am; I told him I’d meet him here at 8:30am for breakfast and then to go swimming together afterwards.
I’m early.
Figure I’ll write a bit to pass the time.
Yesterday I tried to spend the day not looking at my phone. It went well for a few hours but stopped after I called my friend to schedule meeting up for today.
The reels on Instagram have been hard to get away from. Theo Von and Chris Hemsworth talked about that in the podcast I listened to.
Thinking about money and career just now. Wondering how I’ll make it. Scary.
I have a blog. I have a podcast. I have some money, not much. Credit card is running up; will need to pay that off soon. A job? Feels like a road to nowhere.
Work towards my half Ironman has been going well. Week 8 this week. Deload week. Reduction of 20% from last week for each workout. Was sore and tired yesterday. Didn’t workout. Stretched and meditated. I’ll count that.
Did some guitar exercises. I’ll count that too. Worked my hands and fingers. Finger style.
Made me think of my friend Matt teaching himself bass guitar in highschool. I was and now still am envious of his work ethic.
My cousin Sam too. He plays the flute.
Musical people impress me. Doesn’t come naturally to me. Maybe I’m just not putting in the work.
I’ve been wanting to put my writings together and publish a book. Maybe that’s a way I could make money. I think I have enough.
Started writing/journalling in 2017 really. Probably have enough. Could do one book for each year. Could combine years if there’s not enough material.
Writing that makes me uncomfortable. Asking for any kind of money makes me uncomfortable. Why? Because my parents fought over it and I watched them. Now I associate it with conflict.
That did happen and that was scary. Money is a part and needed for survival. I am safe and healthy and it’s important for me to ask for it to keep me safe and healthy.
That felt healing to write.
Yeah, that wound is deep.
Fighting with my ex. Childhood. The house in Lake Bonivista. My parents fighting with the contractor. Being told to watch out for him. To not trust.
Work not done. Boundaries not set. Being told things not developmentally appropriate. Early exposure. Labour. Work. Suffering. Help.
Pick up a shovel. Don’t sit down when the boss is around. Look busy. Safety hi vis is for pussies. Do I have to wear my hard hat?
Rocks and mud. Concrete and basements. Sour gas and sweet water. Clay is hard to dig through. Where’s the next jobsite? Can we stop and grab Tim’s first?
Sweep the shop. Clean this guys car. Joe M. tells me about world of Warcraft. I’m more of a RuneScape guy. He’s buried in Edenbrook. Same place where my Grandma’s funeral was last weekend.
Italians. WoPs. Wasps. Deportee’s. Guineas. White people. White person. Vaffanculo. Melanzana. The n word.
Whistling and staring at women in summer dresses. Objective. Objectively appreciating beauty. Meeting new and strange people.
Racism as bonding. A coded language in the trades. Code switching. Corporate vs. Trade speak. Management vs. Labour. Powerful vs. Powerless.
Snowed all day yesterday. Cars are in the ditch. Not as many as you’d think. Sun’s rising now.
Ernest Hemmingway. Book recommendations. List of books to read. I don’t think I can read anymore. Anything longer than a page takes me a long while.
Funny that. And now I want to write? The universe does have an ironic sense of humour.
Headlights and new cars. Blinded by LEDs. The future is now; just not evenly distributed. Distribution. Distributors. They are the real powerful people in society. The distributors that is. You can do something profound. But if it doesn’t get distributed. It doesn’t matter. Or well, it might not matter to most.
Atlas Shrugged makes more and more sense the older I get. Maybe because I’ve stopped learning. Maybe because my theory of mind has solidified. My mental model hardened.
I’ve been reading the bible more. It’s got some good words. I found another one yesterday in the basement. A gift from my grandparents to my brother for his first communion. Large font. New and Old Testament.
I’m wondering if these feeling I’m feeling are spiritual or my mind grasping for meaning. Maybe those are the same thing.
Decorative wheat blows in the wind. Wheat kings and pretty things is a good song. Makes me tear up. The Hip. Good band.
University. Kingston. Queen’s. School rankings. School in general.
Why do I distrust it? Why do I despise it? What happened to me there?
I think it’s corrupt. The courses seem meaningless and out of date. I like that people are there so you can socialize. But the content is dull… or do I just not get it? I’m not sure which is true. Both? Neither?
Most others cheat. Or at least… how can they do so much better than me? How do they get it? How do they do well and not me? I put in the work but with no success. Why? What are they understanding that I’m not? Why do I seem to not understand? Why?
That’s the frustrating part I have about school. It seems no matter how hard I try, I still can’t perform the way the teacher wants. I don’t understand the rubric. I don’t understand the feedback model. I can’t or haven’t been able to figure it out?
It leads me to think that most others cheat. Or memorize the answers. Because I don’t know how one could get the answers they want from what they say. Not intuitively that is.
It leaves me feeling disheartened, demoralized, confused, and angry.
Why do idiots get it? Why do dumb bitches get it? How do they get it? How do I not get it?
Am I being conspired against? Oppressed? I don’t know or get it.
But it makes me hate school. It makes me hate myself. It makes me hate other people. It makes me hate, period.
And it’s hard to not feel that way. It’s hard to not get it.
I so desperately want to get it.
Please God, let me get it.