my aunt's birthday is today. happy birthday.
I woke up at 4:30am. I’ve been watching instagram reels since then. It’s 7:23am now. Fuck.
I want to delete the app. Something in me is telling me not to. I used it to market my campaign, something in me says if I delete it I’ll lose that momentum. Will I or is that the addiction justifying keeping the app on my phone? Something tells me it’s the addiction telling me to keep the app on my phone.
Today I will make it my goal to fade instagram.
Just focus on the blog... or actually maybe I will experiment with having my ai agent manage my social media that is addictive. So things with infinite scroll that are “mainstream” important to function in society (i.e. where my friends/jobs are) are instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook to a lesser extent, X perhaps. Maybe sub stack. Yeah all of those are things that are mainstream or are more of mass marketing distribution places.
So maybe I’ll focus my human attention on bear blog and real life and see if I can get my ai agents to farm engagement on those other social media… But why am I farming? What am I farming? I guess for money maybe? Economic opportunity? I mean that’s kind of how celebrity works. The celebrity works on their domain and they hire a team to market their personality. Isn’t that the whole idea of personal branding and personal brand power?
Yuck. I know it’s real but it just makes me feel kind of icky thinking about it.
I wonder where that sense of disgust comes from? Probably growing up catholic. Probably Alberta country humbleness and understatedness from my family. Probably… something from childhood for sure. Maybe some inherited anxiety around self promotion my parents have of themselves.
I don’t know. But the feeling of disgust from self promotion is pretty fierce. Pretty visceral. Enough to make me think so much about LinkedIn and my social media appearance; or more so my desire to appear as if I do not care about my social media appearance. If that makes sense.
I think generally that the over promotion of oneself on social media is tacky and… this is maybe where my elitism kicks in… low class behaviour.
If you are promoting yourself heavily on social media it typically means you do not have connections or pull in real life to get opportunities. Which is fine. It just signals lower social status. If you are promoting yourself heavily on social media it typically means you are lacking and perhaps in need of opportunities, which most people are, but wealthy people generally are not.
I guess it might go back to growing up relatively wealthy to my peers but now my peers are becoming wealthier than me. To my parents and family’s growing economic precarity based on our difficulty in navigating the new world of business on social media, business in a new era, business in the tech era, business after devastating finical loss in 2008, business after trauma and mental illness and change.
Yeah I think I’m status sensitive because my parents are status sensitive. And social media is where you signal your status.
I want to be high status. For mate selection. For economic opportunities. For… I don’t know health reasons? Being high status is awesome. High status people get more free shit, better shit, deal with less friction and less bull shit. Who wouldn’t want that?
That’s probably WHY people signal social status. So they get the perks. And again, I think I was raised relatively high social status. So I kind of know the language and I think consciously and unconsciously I fear loss of social status. To an extent worse than death. Because evolutionarily human’s developed to see loss of social status as similar to death. So we (or maybe just I) fear it like death.
And I think also it’s because I’m insecurely attached. I think it’s why I go back to my parents so often when I am having trouble in the world. They are safety. Sometimes in a good way but often now as I am older in a bad way.
This feels good to write but I’m not sure if it makes any sense.
First time I’m really getting words to these feelings.
What do you guys think? Am I insane or normal or neither?
I think that’s kind of the hard part of growing up is that you realize everyone has their own opinion and everyone is different shades of right and wrong and there is no real right answer to anything.
Opinions are like assholes; everyone’s got one and most stink.
lol. I heard that once and it made me laugh.
Stay skeptical. Of yourself and others.
But not too skeptical.
a poem.
ching chong bing bong.
still in china.
mao zhedong.
mao belong.
wow sick beelog.
now chick the free jog.
clown sick we re-dog.
please stop writing now. it is eight o’clock now. finish. Finnish. Done. Over. End. Bye. Fin.
Find. Sign. Mine. Line. Crime. Shine. Fine.
再见.
p.s. it is my aunt's (or zia as i call her) birthday today in china. It will be here birthday in Canada when it is tomorrow here. time changes are funny. happy birthday Zia!