my 51st post from the 51st state
What the hell is going on.
Plumber is here. Filter for the humidifier needs to be replaced.
That’s ok I guess. More deferred maintenance I guess.
Listening a podcast. Watched a video. Couldn’t stop staring at my phone until 3AM when I finally fell asleep from exhaustion. Anything to not have to be alone with my thoughts somedays.
Woke up at 8am, went back to bed. Woke the second time around 10am.
Made a coffee. Need to leave for Eriks. Before that I need to empty the car of the wood I salvaged from the house the other day.
My ex has now unfollowed me on all social media; I think blocked now.
Yesterday, my cousin sent some photos into a family group chat on WhatsApp. The following message in the chat was that she left the group.
Which is kind of funny because WhatsApp recently implemented a “leave silently” feature. Probably for cases just like this one.
The irony of that made me laugh. Not in the haha way; kind of in the sad way.
I thought about posting it to instagram but stopped myself; definitely would have been a crash out type moment. At least in my mind. Realistically no one really cares about the melodrama in my head besides me… maybe her; but mostly me I think.
It snowed a lot yesterday.
I shovelled the back walk. Go me.
I’m grateful for my family and to have food and shelter. I’m grateful I have friends and people that love and look out for me. I’m grateful to know how to read and write. I’m grateful to know Dialectical behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills to help me get through difficult times and powerful emotions.
I’m grateful for my time with my ex. I’m grateful for the person I’m seeing now.
I’m grateful for peace and safety and humility.
I’m grateful for the sun and the stars; I guess the moon too.
I’m grateful for my phone. Even though it is out of storage and the back is so cracked you can see the inside of it. I’m grateful for free software. I’m grateful for colonialism for making life easier for white guys. I’m grateful for coffee and the Nespresso machine here.
I’m grateful for being able bodied. I’m grateful for having access to a car and the skills to drive it.
I’m grateful for confidence and self-assurance.
I’m grateful for phone chargers. I’m grateful for the standardization of USB-C chargers, even though my iPhone12 uses lighting still. It makes charging my laptop and a Motorola phone I’m using to learn android with the same cord possible.
I’m grateful for my Apple Watch, even though it glitches out sometimes. I’m grateful for my grandpa and my grandma. My nonnno and my Nonna. My cousins. My Aunts and Uncles. My Zias and Zios. I’m grateful for getting to meet my great grandparents.
I’m grateful my friend and his wife have a kid. I’m grateful that they seem happy. I’m grateful that I get to practice gratitude; I thought once I might never learn how.
I’m grateful I feel skilled in opening conversations with strangers. It’s brings many meaningful interactions into my life; even if it’s scary in the moment.
I’m grateful for empowering minds (or Rapport is what it was called back then) leadership camp when I was thirteen. It made me aware that I can use my voice.
I’m grateful for all the hard times and the challenges. They make me think fondly of the good times and give me hope that they can come again.
I’m grateful for the good times because they don’t always stick around; and they are really beautiful when they are there.
I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve been given and will get; even when I feel bad about screwing them up or missing them. I am learning how to take advantage of them.
I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.
Gratitude is good.
I think it has given me the strength to do what I don’t want to do now.
Be good to yourself.