Moon Palace Resorts Day #2
It is just before 5:15AM eastern. I am in Cancún, Mexico at the Moon Palace resort. My parents booked it earlier this fall and I am here with them, my brother and his fiancé.
My littlest brother is not here. He is in school and has classes until later this month so couldn’t make it.
I am in a room that I was going to share with him. So it has two beds but is just me in here. It is connected via a door to my brother and his fiancé’s room. Their room has one bed and a larger living room space and patio. This room has a jacuzzi though… don’t think I’ll use it.
I got in yesterday from Calgary. So did my brother and his fiancé from Mexico City; they were there together for a week before coming here. My parents got here the day before yesterday. They are staying in a large room above mine. Need to exit and walk up a set of stairs to get to theirs. The rooms we are staying at are the “golf villas”. They are located a bit away from the amenities so each room as a private golf cart.
It’s about 3:20AM now in my usual time zone. I went to bed at midnightish last night. At dinner I had a “Mayan Coffee” so I think that’s why it took me a while to fall asleep and why I am awake now.
I was a bit sad at dinner yesterday. One because my littlest brother wasn’t with us. My mom FaceTimed him at dinner though, that was chaotic but fun.
The other reason I was/am sad is because when my mom first brought up the idea of this trip I was with my ex. Her and my brother’s fiancé are friends. We broke up in… in May, I think… yeah, May. And it felt sad last night driving the three of us (My brother, his fiancé, and I) in the golf cart without my ex being there. It felt like something, someone, was missing. It weighed heavy on me last night.
I felt anger towards my brother’s fiancé. I felt anger because she is friends with her. Because I think they talk. Which is fine, which is fine. I think I am angry with her as a symbol more than anything.
A symbol of my failure. Of my ex and I’s failed relationship. Of the abandoning of the relationship. Of my abandoning of the relationship. Of my ex’s abandoning of the relationship. Of the loss of a loved one. She reminded me of my grief.
And I don’t think that’s a her thing. I wanted to bring it up at dinner yesterday but decided against it. Maybe I’ll bring it up today… maybe. Something along the lines of, “I’m sorry [redacted] and I broke up before this trip. It would have felt more whole if she was here. It would have been more fun if she was here. It would have been better if she were here. I’m sorry we didn’t make it work. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it work. I’m sorry I gave up. I’m sorry I deprived you of your friend on this trip. I’m sorry I deprived myself of my friend on this trip. I’m sorry to you. I’m sorry to me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry and I’m sad.”
That felt good to write. I teared up. Yeah, it’s emotional being here alone. After dinner last night there was a speakeasy bar near the restaurant. We all peaked our heads in. It would have been a good opportunity to socialize but I decided against it. My parents stayed for a drink and I drove the three of us back to our rooms.
I watched YouTube by myself. Ate all the complimentary snacks in the room and eventually fell asleep.
Part of me wants to go and [redacted]. Another part of me wants to fast and abstain, meditate and be holy. The duality in me is strong. I feel both pulling. Maybe that’s what I will be this trip. Both. Yeah I think I will be both. At least experiment being both. We will see where that takes me.
Radical acceptance baby.
Thanks for tuning in. I’ll keep you posted on how things go.