money.
Meeting with [redacted]. I think I want to most know what he learned about business.
What worked, what didn’t work.
For me what was that?
Speaking up when something doesn’t feel right. Knowing kpis. Being open to firing. Have hard conversations before they become harder conversations. Know the customer and what they need.
Know yourself and your boundaries and when to ask for help.
What else? Hmmmmm….
I don’t know. Enjoyed my evening with [redacted]. Seeing her again tonight.
I’m enjoying [redacted].
Which I was at one point but now I’m not. More precarious circumstances now.
Money will come. There are ways I can make money that are natural and come easy to me. It will come. It is coming.
Work doesn’t have to be painful. There are ways work can be fun and feel good. That is coming my way too.
I will be happy, healthy, and wealthy. It is destiny.
It is destiny.
———
Later in the day now. I’m out of storage on my iPhone.
It’s annoying. There’s nothing left for me to delete. I’ll need to upload things to the cloud or a hard drive.
I don’t want to do that either. Maybe just get a new phone? Don’t want to do that, that cost money.
Money. There it is again.
Money, money, money. Always money. It’s everywhere always. It makes me sick.
Value, investing, spending. Food, groceries, rent, mortgage. Going out with friends, staying in. Always money. Always a correlate of money.
Fuck money. I fucking hate money. Money causes all my problems. Money and non-money problems. Because non-money problems are just money problems in disguise.
Most acute problems can be fixed with money. Chronic or systemic problems probably not, but acute single person problems can definitely be solved with money.
Why’s it so charged with me? What happened to me that makes me so emotional about money? Lots of things I guess.
I feel it in my shoulders and my neck and my hips and legs. Tension. Money comes up, tension goes up.
It never used to be like this. Why is it like this now? Maybe uncertainty. Maybe a risk taken manifested. Maybe doubt. Maybe a pain never healed.
Probably all of the above.
To my future self: I hope you either a) have all the money that makes you feel at peace and secure, or b) have learned how to let this tension and fear around money go; have learned to be at peace in an uncertain world.
I honestly don’t know which one would be easier. Both seem really far away right now.
Fuck man. I need God or something. I need something.
Despair is creeping in.
It’s like a mist or a fog rolling in overnight. It’s clear and then gradually it’s not. Suddenly you can’t see a foot in front of you and it’s scary. Which way do you go? You don’t know. Every direction looks the same.
You just pick a direction and you hope.
You hope.
I hope.
I hope I’m going the right direction.
I hope.