losing
Losing.
Losing is the feeling I’m feeling today. Today I feel like I’m losing. Losing my family. Losing my culture. Losing my sense of meaning and reason for living. Losing the race to get ahead. Losing the ability to do better than my parents. Losing my religion, my country, my freedoms.
Losing.
Losing my time. Losing my ability to have kids. Losing my ability to have a family of my own. Losing my life.
Losing.
A younger version of me might call me a loser. But after looking around at my friends, my peers, my rivals, acquaintances, neighbours, loose connection. All of them seem to be losing too.
Losing.
What does it mean to lose like this?
Well I used to remember that people had cabins or places they could go vacation. Not many people have that anymore. I used to remember doing lots with my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. Not many people do that anymore. I used to remember spending endless hours doing… nothing. Going outside, getting lost in some woods, laughing uncontrollably. Belly laughing. I can’t remember the last time I truly belly laughed.
I used to remember fighting with my brothers and cousins. True fights. Wrestling and spit and blood and physical violence. In a fun way; a raw play way. Getting winded and knocked to the ground. I don’t remember the last time that happened.
I used to remember going to peoples houses for dinner. I don’t remember the last time I went over to someones house for dinner. I feel lucky my grandparents still host but it doesn’t happen like it used to.
I used to remember not being afraid to talk to people. I used to remember not being afraid, period.
I used to remember a feel of limitless potential. Of possibility. Of invincibility. Invulnerability. Energy. Excitement.
Where did it go? Where did it go?
Losing. Losing myself. Losing.
I went out side and invited my neighbour in for tea. She declined. I was hiding in my room. Scared to go and talk. I’m glad I went and said hello.
She has a big green tractor. It snowed a lot again last night. This morning she did her driveway. The house in between their house and our house. And now our house.
She is a good neighbour. She went to high school with my mom.
Maybe I’m not losing. Maybe I am just learning to relate to things differently. And the nature of growing up is the learning to relate to things differently. The maturing process.
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Today marks 3 months since I disabled analytics and upvotes from my blog.
One part of me wants to continue with them disabled. Another would like to re-enable them. I’m not sure which part feels more intensely about it.