little man, what now?
It is 10am. I’ll try to write for an hour or so. Should be easy as I’m trying to avoid other things.
I am listening to Luv (sic.) pt 3 instrumentals by Nujabees on YouTube. I have been really liking them as of late.
I had crazy dreams last night. I didn’t wear my cpap or my mouth guard. I was tired from yesterday. Seems like everyone in the house was by the time I went to bed.
I had a dream about being on vacation in a tropical place at a resort and there was an earthquake and a tsunami but I was safe and most people were safe. It just led to chaos and flooding and general low level panic and anxiety. I felt pretty ok during it all. I was in a basement and I could see the ocean and its waves and they were far off but they were chaotic and big. The place was really beautiful.
My family was there and there was someone there who was with us and their husband had a drinking problem and there was a drama about them relapsing and going to find a drink and you could see the worry of this person and the hurt that the drinking or the addiction this person had on the person as they worried about them and went looking for them.
The part about the addiction and worry for the loved one was very deep and real. It felt like it was telling me something although I’m not quite sure what. Or I am quite sure what but don’t want to talk about it in the blog.
All last year and this year I’ve felt like some physiological, or probably more psychological, change is occurring within me. Something almost spiritual. I’m not sure quite how to define it but as life becomes more out of control I am becoming more at peace. I have more faith in… whatever it is. God, the universe, myself, life, fate. That things will work out. That things will be ok even when they aren’t.
And, I’ve been finding it odd. Specifically, because things are going out of control in ways I’ve always feared. Parents getting older, friendships fraying, employment/income/economic uncertainty, people dying, people crying. But, oddly, I am feeling more and more centred.
If I were to see were I’m at 10 years ago from now, my 20 year old self, would be justifiably freaked out. Limited employment history, single, no businesses built, no prospects, a spinster of sorts.
I saw some reel on instagram the other day about how the ”stay at home son” trend is becoming a thing. More and more late twenties, early thirties men are moving back in with their parents doing house work, cleaning, and cooking in exchange for board due to lack of economic opportunities and high cost of living. It’s mutually beneficial, economically it makes sense.
And if you look at history it’s really always been like that. And maybe I just am saying that to myself as a cope but I’m there baby. Living at home. Probably should be doing more cooking and cleaning than I do. I don’t really see much in terms of economic opportunities out there for me.
Perhaps convince some friends to start a business with me. I am good at starting shit. Seeing it through, not so much. But maybe I just find someone who is good at that to do that part.
I’m sure there is lots of opportunity that I’m just not seeing or have deemed beneath me. Like I could probably get any job. The main psychological battle is… hmmmmm. Bear, with me because I am also a bit blind to it and haven’t written it out before...
My main psychological block to not getting a job is the commute, the undefined work or “dead air time” or waiting around part of a job, the emotional masking, price inflation vs wage inflation, my intrinsic disrespect and distrust of authority, and probably most important optionality to not have to participate in any of it.
First, the commute. I live at my parents and they live roughly 40min away from the city centre. I dislike driving mainly because the vehicles I have access to are loud. Not sure if it’s wheel alignment issues, engine issues, or what but they are loud and it hurts my brain and generally exhausts me having to drive them around. So depending on where the job is located that’s at least 80min of time that I am not enjoying being added to my day.
Second, the undefined work/dead time/waiting around of modern work. This relates to emotional masking, but from my experience, the modern work place requires a lot of task switching. I struggle with task switching to begin with and I find it makes me i) less productive and ii) exhausted. So accepting that into my life increases the time I am unproductive and exhausted; not keen on letting that into my life.
Three, emotional masking. Related to two, emotional masking is probably the thing you are mostly doing in the modern workplace. No one, bar a few oddly wired individuals, really wants to be at work. Most people want money and to do what they want (in my anecdotal experience). But for some reason, culturally primarily, people mask how they feel about being where they are and what they have to be doing. Now, there is a lot that could be said about this, but even if people are open about how they feel it typically is not better because being around someone who is not happy about what they or doing or being somewhere they don’t want to be also is emotionally taxing. I notice participating in this also is exhausting and doesn’t add much value to my life and would rather not introduce it.
Four, price inflation vs. wage inflation. This is probably the strongest underlying force of nature that has led to me not seriously pursuing employment.
Sidenote. Lady Brown (feat. Case Starr from CYNE) [Official Audio] by Nujabees just came on and it slaps.
Back to it. So I find it demoralizing to enter a defined contract with an employer that doesn’t allow for the participation of uncorrelated excess returns.
Oh no, low battery. I’ll be back in a second. I only have 20min left to write this.
Here is a video about uncorrelated returns to explain what they are.
I’m back.
Long story short. I was exposed at an early age to young people getting rich in many different ways and all very quickly. Making $50,000 a year with not much wiggle room to participate in the upside of that labour is depressing to think about. Especially when you hold the belief (like I do) that inflation is WAAAAYYYYYY higher than reported. Especially when you likely will not get a raise that even matches inflation. Especially when your peer group is making more money than you.
So I guess I could stop social comparison and focus on survival and that would get rid of this objection but that is hard to do and also ties into point six.
Fifth, distrust and disrespect for authority. I got it drilled into me young and often that the individual is the cornerstone of western society, corporations and governments are corrupt, lazy, and greedy, and the only way to get ahead is to go against the crowd. So anytime I’m asked to do anything I will ask why until it makes sense to me to do it. This exhausts and annoys people, especially employers. Well, all the ones I’ve had at least. And, as someone who’s employed people it annoyed me when employees did it to me. So I get it. But I find it a hard thing to change about myself. I guess I could work on that.
Sixth, the option to not participate. As of today I am living with covered room and board by my parents. I do odd jobs and tasks for them and my grandparents (lucky to have both sides still alive). I help with IT, computer stuff, and other general tasks for them. I do limited housework; doing my best to improve on this front. I have about $30,000 to my name depending on how the stock market is doing. And due to an inflationary environment, that $30,000 appreciates enough to generally pay for my living expenses. I've cut all subscriptions, been driving less, and have in general cut expenses where I can. I don’t think this is long term sustainable but it has been for the past year and is sustainable for now.
And that’s kind of the nice thing; and the thing I feel guilty about; and the thing I feel least equipped to describe or talk about.
The privilege. The safety net. The optionality that power and money give you. Is it real? Is it pretend? Is it me being a mooch? Is it me being a burnout or taking advantage? Is it me recentering myself? What is it?
This sixth thing. This optionality? What is it? What is it? I know it’s a thing. I know it’s different than what other people have. Is it a good thing or a bad thing or a neutral thing? I’m not quite sure.
It feels scary to even talk about. Like if I acknowledge that it exists it might get taken away.
It’s security and I’m grateful for it. I think this year I will talk about it more and try to become more… comfortable? Skilful? Something. At describing what it is. Where it comes from. What is good about it. What is not good about it. What it even is in the first place.
11:02AM now. Going to record a podcast now.
Will I post this? Freaking out about it now. I think I will. Need to shower and brush my teeth.
I wrote a long rambling post like this yesterday as well about my earliest experiences of sex and how I think it’s shaped me. Didn’t post it. Will I post it? I don’t know.
Overthinking. Stopping writing now.
Thanks for listening.