just keep swimming
I am exceptionally sad this morning. It’s not even morning. I slept from 6pm to 11am. I’ve been awake for a few hours but when I woke up all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.
The dream world is more exciting and less embarrassing. Things feel possible there. I don’t feel like such a loser there. I have agency there.
I think I might be an incel.
My YouTube algorithm has started showing me this race war rage bait stuff. I downloaded instagram the other day and it was also showing me rage bait race war stuff.
I don’t know if it is algorithmic rage baiting or a psyop. It’s probably both.
I deleted instagram and probably need to stay off YouTube for a while. Touch grass as they say.
I do know I feel like shit. I guess writing is helping me feel a bit better.
My friend wants to host a tennis tournament fundraiser. He asked me today what charity we should pick to be the recipient of the funds.
Fuck dude. I need to be the recipient of the funds lol.
I didn’t say that but I felt that.
I probably don’t but I don’t know. I find that everyone, well maybe not everyone, but a lot of people in my anecdotal circle are fundraising. Fundraising for this and that and the other thing.
Why?
Where do those funds go? To pay for someone’s salary that isn’t mine.
I have no money brother. I am living at my parent’s house. Driving one of there cars. Eating their food. Filling it with the last of my savings. I have ~$3-4k on my credit card to pay off this month and ~$5k in my bank account. ~$3k left in my TFSA.
I’m cooked brother.
It’s good to fundraise for those who are more cooked but I am currently also cooked.
Get a job? Yeah I was thinking about it.
One day at a time? Yeah I’ve been trying.
I am 30 years old and I am 1/6 as wealthy as I was when I was 18. 12 years and what do I have to show for it?
I don’t have a house, I don’t have a job, I don’t have much in net worth, or possessions besides what I’ve been given by family and friends.
Like what the hell? - What the fuck am I supposed to do?
And no one really cares because they are all treading water trying to keep their heads above the raising water of financial demands as well.
I have a degree I guess. But so does everyone else.
I have a network of people I know, but whoop dee doo. That’s gotten me somewhere but definitely not to stable ground.
I have a long history of psychologist bills, psychiatric visits, and hospital stays. Great. That’s helpful.
A line of women who have said they love me up until the point I start showing them my non-performing self.
And I hate saying this stuff out loud. Because no one likes a complainer.
No one likes a loser.
Fuck.
Just one thing at a time. One step at a time. One little thing.
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
Es-cah-peh.
Escape.