i'm not having fun anymore
My stomach hurts. I ate good all day yesterday but then had a large bag of popcorn and two large diet cokes at the movie theatre. I went to go see Crime 101. It was ok. The plot had a lot of holes. The story could have been better, so could the ending. The twist at the end was meh.
I guess the most disappointing part was the giving in to the popcorn and drink. I got there early and was telling myself not to get anything but I caved. I tried not to beat myself up about it but here I am the next morning still chastising myself.
If I thought quitting porn was hard food is a whole other level.
Salty, fatty, sweet. I’m a sucker for it. Anything that will make me not have to be alone with just my thoughts; anything that will cause a state change within the body. Because a state change makes my thoughts change. A body at rest is a difficult thing for me to maintain.
Last night was hard trying to fall asleep.
The past few nights have been hard trying to fall asleep. Maybe it’s the mattress? I can tell it has a dip in the middle that I fall into. It’s too soft I think.
I tried a few different techniques to fall asleep yesterday. Climbed into bed around 9pm, last time I remember looking at the clock was around 1am. Fuck.
Feel kind of rested today but not really. Again this morning woke up with my cpap mask knocked off. Ugh.
I think the thing I’ve been most avoiding is nutrition. I feel the most lost with it. Perhaps scheduling myself to see a nutritionist would be a good idea.
The other thing I guess would be a physical therapist to go over my hips and squat form. I have a feeling something is up with my training causing asymmetry. For example my lunge I can tell is underdeveloped and off balance. I’m sure it’s a small subtle fix but I’ve found it hard to diagnose by myself.
I think that’s the tough part about training is the saving money part. It’s hard to know you are doing it right just by yourself. To check you have to pay money. Fuck I don’t really want to do that but I guess that is the cost of progress.
I hate to say it but I think progress costs money. Damn.
Maybe that’s something I’ve been avoiding. Is coming to terms that 1) I can’t do everything myself and 2) the things I want have costs; and one of those cost is money.
I think the wound I have is one of insecurity. I feel insecure and I think that if I can hold onto my money I can guarantee my security. If I can hoard money I can be secure. If I can make sure things don’t go to zero I will be safe.
To an extent that might be true but to the extent that I am taking it I think that belief is getting in my way.
I don’t know if that makes sense. Hopefully it does. Or not, who cares.
A few nights the past year I have stayed up late at night wondering if I was sexual assaulted as a kid. Something feels off. The symptoms of it are there. But the memory of it is not. Which is a symptom in itself. But maybe I’m just on the internet too much and thinking myself into it.
I know that I am disturbed, that much is for sure.
That’s a reason I want to go see someone about my hips is because I feel there is something stored in there; not sure what. In my hips and my butt and my legs and lower back. When I put a hand on my lower back I feel a sense of relief. Like my whole body can unclench. Not sure what that’s about but it feels significant.
Last night was one of those nights.
Maybe I am just searching for something external for why I am the way I am. It would be nice to have something to point to. To have something I could tell people, “yeah, this thing happened to me. That’s why I am the way I am”. But I just have what seems like normalcy. Privilege to most. A pretty nice live. A blessed life. A sweet life.
Then why doesn’t it feel that way?
Why is there so much turmoil? So much pain? So many sleepless nights? So much tossing and turning and self destruction? Why?
Why God? Why?
I don’t want to be like this anymore. It’s not fun anymore. Stop the ride. I want to get off.