identifying that i am distracted
Here I am again avoiding the things I don’t want to do.
I don’t want to clean this apartment. I moved in and it was, not spotless but pretty close to. Now, there are dishes spread out, some in the sink some in the dishwasher some on the table. The garbage is full, a McDonalds bag is on the island that is full of garbage. The dryer is open full of clothes I left in there for a week. The washer I’ve been using as a laundry basket. There is a pile of old computer stuff laid out in front of the tv. An old router, 3 Telus tv boxes, all open from the boxes spread out on the carpet; a half done project.
My friend wants to call and talk about what next for our AI thing and some other stuff.
I have no forward movement on that. All I accomplished yesterday was fill my car up with gas, filled my timesheet out for carpentry, cancel going fishing, went and voted, stopped by my parents place, called my brother(s)… I guess that’s better than nothing. I wrote a bit yesterday too, that’s something I guess.
But I also scrolled on YouTube shorts, watched a bunch of random videos, binge ate McDonalds stroopwaffel mcflurries, jerked off, avoided the uncertainty and/or the comfortableness of interacting or doing something I couldn’t reliably know what would happen after I had done it.
Distraction and avoidance. My two biggest enemies at the moment. That and people pleasing.
I guess the first part of addressing a problem is identifying it.
Well, I identified it. I feel like I’ve known this for a while now.
But it seems that I’m stuck at that part. Well… I have been for a while now. But writing this out now I can feel the tension and the energy of frustration inside my chest dissipate bit.
Intellectualization is different from integration is what the psychologist say. This is an emotion regulation problem not a logical mind problem. I still have to feel my way out.
I can use my understanding of it to help me but at the end of the day I still have to feel the feelings.
And I know that the best way is to do it when I am scared. To do it when I’m not ready. To do it when it doesn’t feel right.
I have to prove to myself that I can do it even when it feels like I can’t.
It’s the only way forward.
Keep wishing me luck; I still need it.