i still feel like a kid
I have that feeling again.
The feeling like the plate is getting full. Not overflowing but filling up.
You know that feeling? The feeling like you can keep going but not forever in this current state. That is how I am feeling.
That is how I am feeling right now.
I cut more wood today. Instead of carrying it up three flights of stairs I asked one of the guys working on the job site to drive the wood over to the elevator. I then took it up with a pallet jack. It was considerably easier than yesterday.
Easier but still a good workout.
I used a table saw and a skill saw. Didn’t use the drill today.
We did something called lift packages. They go on the side of the roof and tilt so water runs to the drains correctly off the roof. It was good.
Yeah there is something bugging me. Probably not paying my credit card.
I am going to do that now. We will see if it has any effect on this state I am in.
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Ok, paid it.
Yeah it did make me feel better, huh.
I have about $2,700 dollars in my bank account after that.
That’s nearly all I have to my name.
Man… I’m broke.
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Carpentry is good. I have no idea what this guy is paying me. I haven’t given him any info or anything.
I stay at my parents. I use their cars.
I do stuff for other people.
I try sometimes. Other times I don’t.
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My friend and I have been running an AI agent fleet. Well… mostly he has and I pay for some of the Claude and OpenAI subscriptions. He is smart.
He is staying in my parent’s garage. I am sitting here at one table and he is playing RuneScape at the other. Yesterday we went for dinner and then got ice cream and then went for a short walk.
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I am sad my grandpa died.
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I told another friend I would meet up with him in town to have dinner. I will go but I am wanting to cancel and go to bed.
It will be gooder for me to go and see him. Get out and about.
I am feeling low.
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I am thinking of switching back my car with my other grandpa. He took my parent’s truck I’ve been using because he had to take some tree branches he was cutting to the dump.
Maybe I’ll switch it out after dinner. Maybe.
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Fuck I am sad. Not about my grandpa but about this feeling of losing myself again.
The feeling of seeing my parents age. Get older. Get frailer.
The feeling of people’s focus shifting. Shifting to survival.
The feeling of losing the people who made my world what it was. Who set the rules; the values; the behaviours.
The culture.
They’re all aged out now.
And here I am 30.
What does it even mean?
Does it mean anything?
Did it mean anything if all the people part of it are gone now? Gone or elsewhere; moved on.
It feels like it meant something to me. I still feel like that little kid going to play little league baseball behind the Springbank high school. I still feel like that kid getting chased by chickens in the back yard. I still feel like that kid going to swim at the Westside rec centre. I still feel like that kid.
I still feel like a kid.
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Maybe I’ll meditate and perhaps nap before dinner.
Thank you for reading.
Have a good day.