i play punjabi in the lobby; I PLAY PUNJABI!!!
rest in peace sidhu moose wala.
I was… I am… I…
I’m angry.
I’m mad at my cousin. I sent a text to a group chat asking if I could speak at my grandpa’s funeral. I sent it this morning. Maybe yesterday evening.
She said that I should go up with my Dad when he goes to speak. She just sent that at 7:30pm or so.
I took it as she didn’t want me to speak. I don’t think that’s what she meant. I think she has her timing down for her speech and my ask might have messed with her timing. I think she meant that I can speak just not at the same time she is going up with my other two cousins. That makes sense to me; and to be honest I brought up the idea of talking pretty late in the game.
I think I’m sensitive to it because I’m sensitive and I think it’s fine. I think I am overreacting. Got heated. I took it as she didn’t want me to speak and that’s not what it was.
Breath in. Breath out.
It’s all good. It is allllllll gooooood.
It made me want to fight. To snap back something snarky. And instantly a wave of emotion suppression came up. I have a well practiced anger suppression response. A well trodden neural pathway that flips on almost automatically.
I don’t think the situation called for an angry response; I also think that it was good for me to allow myself to get angry.
I think allowing myself to be angry is healthy. It’s important.
It’s important because… I don’t know. I just think it is. A feeling inside tells me it is.
So if you’re my cousin reading this. Sorry I got angry at you. But I’m over it. I hope you are too.
——-
I’m trying to move on. Move past it. It’s still getting me heated for some reason. Not the thing itself. Not her, or even the situation. I just have the feeling of being heated. You ever get like that? Like you get all flustered and angry and have a hard time moving on?
That’s me right now.
big sigh. BIG SIGH.
Breath brother. Breath.
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Fuck. I am really trying to move on. I can’t. I can.
I can. I can feel myself coming down now.
Breath in. Breath out.
Breath in. Breath out.
——
I bought a fishing rod yesterday. I went for dinner at my grandparents house (the one’s that are still alive). My cousin (different cousin) and his girlfriend helped them make dinner. It was tasty. It was good to see them. His brothers (my other cousins) on that side were there with their partners. It was good to see them too.
——
I think I’m going to pause on writing for right now.
And now… and now… and now…
And now I don’t know.
Life feels like it’s moving pretty fast. It would be nice if it slowed down a hot second.
——
Ugh.
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