I don’t really write when things are going fine.
Things have been going fine.
I walked 10,000 steps almost everyday this week. Later this morning I am doing a triathlon with an old friend.
I can’t sleep. I’m too worried about… nothing in particular. Just everything.
I socialized today. I socialized Saturday. I wrote this while sitting alone in a bar because I was early to a birthday party:
“I had a good day. I am sitting at a bar alone as I am early for a person who I don’t really knows birthday.
It’s a costume party but I am the only person in this bar with a costume. And I’m alone. I feel a bit embarrassed but that’s ok.
I went and saw a film earlier with my parents at the Calgary International Film Festival. It was a documentary. I had met one of the producers a few months ago and wanted my parents to see her and her husbands work.
I’m glad my parents met them. The couple that produced the doc that is. I like their work. I want them to make a documentary or a film about my grandpa.
I wanted my grandpa to come to the screening but he didn’t have someone to look after my grandma. She has Alzheimer’s that’s pretty advanced. She’s quite fragile but at the same time quite sturdy. Apparently she took a tumble this morning on her way to breakfast.
I had breakfast with them today. She was sore but she was putting along.”
Because I can’t sleep I want to go binge eat a whole bag of marshmallows that I know are down stairs. Maybe go search for chocolate eggs that are left over from Easter that my parents hid from me because I ate a whole bag and asked them to hide it.
Somethings wrong with my brains reward system. The quick dopamine hits are in too much control. I don’t like it anymore. It feels like my bodies been hijacked from me. Someone else is driving most of the time.
I don’t think it’s that bad but it’s not great. Could be better.
I want to jerk off but I know that won’t really help. A part of me thinks it will help me sleep but I know that it won’t. Not like this. Not the head space I’m in.
What I really need to do is put down my phone and go pee. For the past few hours I’ve found that hard to do.
I talked with chat gpt. Starting around 10:30pm and now it’s 1:05am.
Great. Did I learn anything? Not really.
I learned that if you tell chat gpt you’re going to kill yourself it will request access to your phones microphone. Thought that was interesting.
I also learned that you can apply for access to a non-censored version of chat gpt. If you’re a company or researcher or government.
I also learned that a AI Agent can’t represent you in court… yet.
My cousin called me on Wednesday. That was nice. He has two little girls and coaches football in the states. I don’t get to talk to him much but really enjoy when I do.
I’m glad he called.
My brother called me today. My dad was excited to talk to me about football today.
Watching people (and I guess myself) get older is a strange trip. It’s strange seeing people do things not as good as they used to. Not as quick, not as sharp, not as intentional as they once moved.
Moving not because they want to but because that’s what they’ve always done. Because the pathway in their brain says “we’ve always done it this way; let’s do it again”. Routine. Repeat. Why we did it in the first place has long been forgotten.
Hillbilly rock. Baby blue bourbon. Sweetness in the air. Rains in the distance.
Coolness. The rustle of leaves. Things are heavier.
My neighbour was out with his leave blower today. I said hi. He is old. He is my grandpa’s friend. He would make wine in his basement and lived all over the world.
His wife died the other year. Now he lives alone. His kids come to visit pretty often. So does his grandkids, that’s good I guess.
I wonder if it’s lonely living alone or if it’s peaceful?
I guess there will be a lot of questions I’ll never get the answer to. That kind of bugs me.
I’m a very curious character and curiosity did kill the cat.
But satisfaction brought it back.