How I feel today...
August 3rd, 2025
Today I am so fucking angry. I want to have a family and kids and my own fucking life. But I am stuck under the thumb of my bad habits and mental illness and my own hang ups.
I want a fucking life. I want the ability to provide for myself. But I don’t see it. I don’t see a future where that’s possible right now.
I had breakfast and a workout. I did some stuff on my to do list. I did everything and still I have this feeling of dread that I will never have the ability to have a kid and a family and a life. Just dread and anxiety and dread and anxiety and then death.
My parents are taking me golfing today. I guess I should be happy. Not everyone gets to go golfing. Golf is expensive. I am grateful I get to go golfing.
I am grateful I get to live with my parents and they feed me and shelter me and I’m 29 years old and I am grateful I have no debt and have some savings and have access to a car to drive around the city and go see friends. I am grateful to live out in the country near trees and birds and nature. I am grateful.
I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful. I am trying to be grateful.
I don’t know what I am but I am fucking pissed and angry and sad and resentful and full of fear and anxiety and hatred.
My shadow. It’s out in full force today. I fucking hate everything, especially myself today. I want to build an army and crush my enemies today. I think it would be very possible.
I don’t think anyone really likes what’s going on. The thing you have to compete against is the bread and circus of Netflix and the easy hedonism that exists in todays world. That is who you are competing against. Hedonism. It’s very accessible and very prevalent.
Porn and women and distraction and funny videos and going golfing and going hiking and working out and doing anything but organize people to challenge the status quo. And I am not saying I am not guilty of any of it. I am probably the most guilty of it. I love nothing more than to distract and mute my higher self with hedonism and loneliness promoting activities. I love being alone and hurting my higher self. I’d say it’s one of my favourite past times.
But I know it’s not good for me and I know it’s killing me. And I know that it is a hole I dig and dig and dig, making it extremely hard for myself to crawl out of and start on level ground. And I have begun to realize that this is what most people are dealing with. Loneliness and self sabotage. The celebrated celebrity that do not struggle either hide it or have something else that they deal with. The gears of the machine come for us all and will crush us.
We can not all live forever. None of us can. We all die.
No one gets out alive.