having difficulty relaxmaxxing
i am irritable today. i am listening to some pick up artist dude on youtube. I binge ate today.
I am angry today. i switched the video about maintaining frame to a comedian interviewing an archologist.
i am tired today. i am sad.
i bought zonnics for the first time the other day. I've been popping them non stop the past few days.
i think they might be leading to the irritability.
i skipped my workout yesterday. it's looking like i am going to skip it again today.
tomorrow i am going to meet my friend to go for a run. i hope.
i feel like a loser today.
yesterday we did a podcast were we interviewed a friend's dad. He talked about suicide and depression and recovery.
not killing youself is kind of hard to do sometimes.
it's kind of hard to stay positive at times. it's kind of hard to be the cheerful one at times.
i feel like i am kind of dying. maybe i already have.
maybe it's all over. maybe. maybe.
maybe i am just feeling down. and that's ok.
it's ok to be down. it's ok to be no ok. right?
kind of i guess.
being a guy is mostly a performance. and sometimes i don't want to act. i want to sit in my room and not get out of bed.
i don't want to go and do things i said i was going to do that i don't really want to do.
use your skills raiden. use cbt or dbt or something like that. call a friend. go for a walk.
no.
i dont want too.
i want to sit here and waste away. evaporate into the dry air. breath in the mold and mildew of the old dusty boxes.
type on this old keyboard. melt further into this couch. listen to lofi chrono trigger and channel my displeasure with the world into this text file.
my friend texted me. he want's to do fantasy football. cfl fantasy football. it's a bit of a meme.
i am a meme.
i like memes.
usually that would make me laugh and smile. but not today. not right now.
i feel like all the energy has been sucked out of my body. there is no get up in go in me... it has got up and went.
complain. complain. complain.
heavy on the grievences.
i think my family hates me. i think my friends hate me. i think my former lovers hate me. i think even impartial animals hate me.
i hate me. why do i hate me?
i don't know anymore. why am i so mean to myself? it kind of sucks having the biggest bully you know in your head. especially when he only comes around when you feel like shit.
fuck. think different. new neural pathway. new path. new highway. neuroplacisity. just stop the thought. just stop the thought.
be grateful.
i am grateful that i am not currently in an warzone (yet).
i am grateful the sun was out.
i am grateful it is end of spring/begining of summer.
i am grateful for having eyes and ears and hands and feet.
i am grateful for trees and leaves and hawks and gravel and grass and water.
i am grateful for tvs and old technology and generous people.
i am grateful for people not giving up on me.
i am grateful. i am grateful. i am grateful. i am grateful. i am grateful.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
fuck that.
fuck it all. i hate everything. i hate myself and my family and my friends and my life.
i hate the world and the people and the earth and the sky.
i hate war and greed and corruption and death and murder and gore and pain.
i hate suffering. i hate fully. i hate fiercly.
i hate dishes and laundry.
i hate double speak and double meaning.
i hate language and logic.
i hate how fucking retarded i am. i hate how spiteful and sinful i am. i hate how pompous and privledged i am. i hate how full of myself i am. i hate how poor i am. i hate how rich i am. i hate how distracted i am. i hate how ungrateful i am. i hate how neurotic i am. i hate how pathetic i am. i hate how sad i am. i hate how unfufilled i am. i hate how lazy and slothful i am. i hate how undriven and unfocused i am. i hate how human i am. i hate how inhumane i can be. i hate how much i disgust myself. i hate that i disgust myself. i hate how i find myself disgusting. i hate how i find myself so unimpressive, so flailing, and meek.
i hate myself.
i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself.
i wonder if these nicotine things are reacting with my antidepressants. I haven't felt this way in a while.
i haven't had one of these sessions for a while.
i haven't been so down on myself for a while.
Where did you come from sad raiden? why are you so sad and critical?
i think because the ai thing isn't working and i have some learned helpleness with hard problems.
i think because the goals i have are not feeling very exciting to me anymore.
i think because i feel lonely. i think because i miss myh ex girlfriend and i don't want to say that but i feel it so deeply in me.
And i don't think i miss her i think i miss the fantasy of it.
i think it's because i am just not doing anything to get me out of this headspace.
i can do something about it. a quick walk. turining off my phone.
just going to bed would be a win. wearing my cpap would be a win.
i think i am starting to come out of it. not totally out of it but it's nice to feel myself not be so hard on myself.
it's less painful.
release. let go. i can't control the ai thing. the event im nervous about on satruday is a long ways away and there is nothing i have to do for it.
let go. let go. let go.
i am not in control and that is ok.
i am not in control of the economy. i am not in control of the weather or the world. i am not in control of other people.
i am only in control of myself. that is it. that is all.
it is ok. i am doing ok. everything is ok. everything is ok.
it is hard to relax. i have a hard time relaxing.
i think if you were to look at me it might look like all i do is relax.
in reality what from the outside looks like relaxing is either bracing and hypervigilence or numbing.
Youtube, porn, scrolling, video games. Checking the news. Keeping my distance.
It's all to hide away from it all.
probably not the best but it has kept me alive i guess.
but is survival really the goal?
is all i want is to survive?
i want to say no. i want to say i want to thrive.
but if i look at my behaviour maybe to survive is all i want.
every chance i have to be brave i choose to coware. every chance i have to connect i choose to isolate or withdraw.
well maybe not every; just most.
socializing is so fucking hard. i feel socialized out.
i think i might be socialized out.
maybe a break is ok. maybe a rest is allowed. maybe it's ok to not be on. to not have to perform.
maybe it's ok to show up just as i am not as who i want to be.
maybe it's ok to just be me.
maybe.