fuck you discord. fuck your nitro.
I will write for 20 minutes. I just got home. When I am home alone I tend to get overwhelmed. That is how I feel a bit.
I have emails to send. Things to follow up on.
Paperclip needs to restart. AI stuff needs to restart. I downloaded all my data from OpenAI and tried to feed it into my agent through discord. Discord only lets me upload 10MB files. My file is >200MB. Fuck you Discord.
I am angry. I don’t want to be in power. I hate and love power. Anger, anger, anger. Why, why, why. I think I am antisocial and a narcissist. My friend showed me this video of a guy being arrested in Vancouver via a doctor out of hospital designating him “committed” or something like that. It was fucked up. It made me angry and heated and worried for myself.
It reminded me of a nurse Ratched situation from one flew over the cuckoos nest. Fuck all the miserable people who exercise power over people just because they can. Fuck them. Fuck the people who do it under the premise of it being good for the other person. There is no worse oppressor than one who thinks it is for the oppressed's own good.
Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them.
Fuck that situation.
I think my parents are narcissists. I think I am a narcissist. Why? Why do I think that? - I don’t fucking know.
Because.
Just because.
Ugh. Being heated sucks.
I am so heated. I am so heated. I am so heated. I am so heated. I am so heated. I am so heated. I am so heated. I am so heated. I am hungry and angry and mad and grumpy and sad and worried and scared and fearful.
Why? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Please let me let it go. Please let me let it go. I am letting it go. I am letting it go. I am trying to let it go. I am trying to let it go. I am trying to let it go.
I am fucking crazy. Am I fucking crazy? I am not fucking crazy. I am not fucking crazy. I am not fucking crazy.
Please let me not be fucking crazy. Please let me not be fucking crazy.
Vulnerable narcissism. I am watching a video on vulnerable narcissism. And it is hitting home. It is hitting home because I am hungry and angry and heated and I am thinking of all the times I and my family have acted in those ways.
I am so sick of myself. I am so sick of myself.
Power. Control. Fear. Love.
Why is human behaviour so fucked up? Why is my behaviour so fucked up? Is my behaviour fucked up?
Yeah. It is.
What the fuck man. What the fuck.
Ugh. Ugh, ugh. Oof.
Right now I know I am not all those things but I think that I am all those things.
Why am I posting this on my blog? Why am I writing about this so openly? What am I trying to prove?
What am I trying to say?
Dude chill the fuck out. It’s going to be ok. I am ok. I am ok. I am ok. I am ok. I am ok. I am ok. I am ok. I am ok. I am ok. Ok.
My hand is shaking. I want to pop a zonnic. I am addicted to them now. Fuck.
I knew they were addicting when I took them but it’s the head rush and the mint that make them hard to resist. I guess it’s the fact that they make pain go away too. An analgesic. That’s what makes things addictive.
What is the pain I am feeling? The pain of shame. The pain of embarrassment. The pain of guilt and fear and uncertainty.
The pain of social embarrassment and grief. The grief of realizing I am probably not going to have kids. Not unless something drastic changes. Not unless for an act of God or deus ex machina.
Yeah it’s sad. Maybe I should just say fuck it. Maybe.
Yeah it’s sad. It makes me sad. It makes me sad that I can barely afford myself. That I can barely take care of myself. That I am surrounded by all this money and wealth and privilege but I can’t seem to make any of it cement into a foundation for myself. For my life.
It makes me want to scream and cry and laugh and writhe on the floor like a man possessed.
It makes me feel crazy.
You ever feel that way?
Try to stay sane out there.
Raiden