friction
In the kitchen. Another lazy protein shake, it’s good with the espresso.
Shoulder’s stiff this morning. Carried a 35lbs dumbbell to the mailbox and back yesterday as a recovery exercise. Felt good. Worried about my right shoulder, it’s been flaring up. Cat’s awake.
Had a dream my grandma almost fell down some stairs. It startled me awake trying to catch her.
I feel fat and tired and a bit miserable this morning. Not a fan of my double chin looking back at me in the mirror. Oh well, working at it. One thing at a time. Weighed myself yesterday, that might have had something to do with it. 255lbs. Same as last week and the week before. It’s not the weight that matters, it’s how you feel. I say to myself. It would make me feel better if it went down.
Patience. Patience.
I was missing my ex again yesterday. There was a CTV exposé on parrot rescues and the dire need for them throughout Canada. We would joke about getting a parrot and I thought about sending her the video. I didn’t. She’s blocked me on all social media or at least unfollowed me. I read an article that said when you miss your ex that it's a natural part of grieving and you should focus on healthy activities, connecting with friends and family, or just give your self the space to feel.
It sucked yesterday.
This morning I’m annoyed at writing. I don’t want to write. Well, maybe I do. The last two things I wrote I think were too personal to post on here. I did post them for a couple hours yesterday but decided to take them down. That made me feel like crap too. I over ate yesterday too. That also made me feel like crap. My parents pan fried this nice steak and I took this cheese bun and soaked it in the fat and oil and grit in the pan and it was delicious put it was not good for me. A lot of fat and salt intake. I ate 2 or 3 candy canes. Earlier in the morning I went to my grandparents and ate a large piece of cake. They later made me three salty eggs, sausage and two croissants. It was good and made me full.
My doctor told me my cholesterol is too high. Doubt I helped with that yesterday. Charger’s lost to the Patriots. Or it least it looked like they were going to when I went to bed yesterday.
My armpits are itchy. Trying a new deodorant, I think it’s either that or the laundry detergent. They’ve been itchier than usual this month.
Ok writing this morning has made me feel a bit better but I still have a low level of self hatred on my mind this morning. That’s ok I guess. Radical acceptance.
I hear the fridge and the sink. Before the fridge I could hear a space heater buzzing from the other room. The house creaks every so often. Ah it’s not the sink it’s a dehumidifier/mister thing I started the other day. That’s what I’m hearing. Now maybe the furnace; it subsided. The cat breathed heavy. I heard that. The typing of the keyboard. The wind on the house. Big chinook here this week. It’s supposed to get to 10 degC or something like that today. Might get up to 15 degC later this week. A chinook is a warm wind from the west coming over the mountains from BC. It’s cool because it warms everything up for a few days, maybe a week. Doesn’t happen everywhere.
I said something racist the other day at a friends house. Made me feel dumb and that I shouldn’t have said anything. Regret. That friend is friends with the girl I was seeing that I broke up with. Scared to reach out and schedule my next play date with him. Not sure if that affects our relationship or not. Not sure, not sure.
Friction for life was higher yesterday. Feels high this morning as well. Even writing this I kind of want to just go lay in bed and watch some retarded YouTube video and fall asleep. Pretend waking life doesn’t exist. HHHHhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm. What to do, what to do?
Maybe something active? Good idea, maybe.