fear
Fear.
I feel fearful today. Fearful I’ll lose my footing. Fearful I’ll lose my life. Fearful I’ll lose my friends and my family.
Fearful that I’ll lose myself.
This fear is deep within me. I feel most of all the fear of embarrassment.
Embarrassed by myself. My body. My look. My face. My actions. My manners. My step. My ability or lack there of.
My sins. My flaws. My mistakes.
The things that make me, me. The things that I can’t seem to shake.
Embarrassed about my family. Embarrassed about myself. Embarrassed about being hurt by someone who doesn’t even know me.
Embarrassed for using ai as a therapist. Embarrassed about therapy.
Embarrassed I can’t pay for therapy. Embarrassed I can’t pay for anything. Embarrassed about money; specifically the lack of it.
Embarrassed about power. Wanting it, having it, using it, abusing it.
Embarrassed about writing; my writing and me writing at all.
Embarrassed about putting myself out there. Embarrassed about falling on my face.
Embarrassed about being embarrassed to talk to girls. To women. To anyone I’m attracted to.
Embarrassed about being a fake friend. Embarrassed about being a fake person. Embarrassed about being an actor in a play; not knowing when and whether I am the character I play or the person underneath.
Embarrassed about my confusion of it all.
Embarrassed by lack of self confidence. Lack of self respect. Self control.
Embarrassed by my weak muscles. The physical ones sure, but more so the social ones.
Embarrassed by forgetting people’s names I’ve known for years.
Embarrassed by forgetting people I’ve known for years.
Embarrassed for forgetting.
Embarrassed for beginning.
Embarrassed for not getting the job.
Not getting a job.
Embarrassed about stalling out. Whatever that means.
Embarrassed for not having a wife and a kid and a house.
Embarrassed for breaking up. Leaving. Moving back with my parents.
Embarrassed for being rich. Embarrassed for being poor. Embarrassed for realizing I have less than some and more than most. Embarrassed that I still want more.
Embarrassed by my greed. My sloth. My envy and my lust. My wrath. My pride.
My gluttony. Most embarrassed by that.
I’m embarrassed and ashamed.
Those are feelings I am feeling. And they are strong.
I am also sad. Sad about my grandpa. About my family. About myself. About my life.
I’m sad about the world. I’m sad about money; what people have to do for money.
Angry. Angry at myself for not doing right. Not being right. Not fitting in. Having to have to go against the grain.
Why am I like that? I suspect a few different factors; it likely leads back to childhood.
I hate it here. I love it here.
Wherever here is; I’m always there.
Just as mad or as sad. Just has happy or horny. Just as friendly or mean. Just as me as can be.
There I am again.
Here again.
Good night.