fear of posting
Just posted a post I originally drafted on Aug. 3rd. The post was about anger.
I published it for five minutes but then took it down.
It felt wrong to talk about my anger.
When I was little I would have big temper tantrums and throw and hit and break things. It’s funny because my post about anger mentions golfing with my parents. I first played when I was five; it was fun but if I hit the ball and it behaved unexpectedly I would see red and scream and slam my club on the ground or throw it.
For a few more years I would do this.
Then one day I was playing with my dad and maybe my brother and maybe someone else and I made a bad shot and I slammed the club and began to pout and my dad said to me ’you know, when you do that it makes the game not very fun for everyone else.’.
And I never did it again.
I would still become angry and frustrated at myself but I would no longer throw the club. I would not scream or swear. Well… perhaps occasionally. But by the time high school rolled around blinding bouts of rage would no longer occur. Or would be rare, and they would definitely not involve violence.
I think about that moment often. I label it as the first time I consciously suppressed and internalized my anger. It became a habit that has deeply impacted who I’ve become.
I think it was a good thing to learn, but I think I’ve also paid a price for that internalization.
I find it hard to state my needs in a relationship. I find myself in situations I don’t want to be in or are uncomfortable because I’ve just gone along with what someone else wants. I become sad and self sabotage myself when my external environment is not ideal or challenges present themselves.
Many challenging things came from this event (and perhaps other similar events I’ve forgotten). I’ve since learned to set boundaries and advocate for myself.
But it does not come easy or natural in any way. I’m proud when I’m able to do it though, and I am becoming better at it.
On the flip side it has made me extremely comfortable in awkward, embarrassing, and uncomfortable situations. Just because I’ve been exposed to so many. It’s given me the insight that other people are not as dangerous as claimed to be or different from one another.
That people are all just trying to survive with limited but vastly different access to resources. Each persons calculation how to do that is unique to them but typically lap to one degree or another with everyone else’s. And usually involves self interest.
The point is anger is a tough conversation to have. I think because it’s the emotion that wraps around shame. And shame is painful.
Anyways, those were some thoughts I had today.
Whoever is reading this I hope you are having a good day.