embracing the pain
I’m just going to write until i feel better. I did some writing earlier. It made me feel better.
My parents tried to talk to me. It felt like salt on an open wound. I don’t like talking to them much these days. It feels painful. Like a gnashing of teeth.
Most things are painful these days. Well anything that has to do with family is painful now-a-days. I don’t know why. It just is.
Parents, cousins, grandparents. Brothers.
Just a low grade pain. I don’t know what or why or how. Just that it’s uncomfortable. Like a cut that just won’t scab.
It’s open but I don’t know where it is or how to treat it.
Fuck.
I wish all this emotional shit could just be behind me already. I tire of it.
I just want to be fucking normal. I want normal problems. I want normal feelings. I want to be normal.
I want to fit in.
This friction of being different is chafing. I don’t like it anymore and I want it to stop.
I want life to stop. Like the Click remote. I want to hit pause and sit for a while. Sit in a moment. Life is going too fast right now and it is hurting my head. Hurting my heart.
Just plain old hurting.
I am hurting.
And I don’t know why. Do I even want to know why? Does it even matter? Maybe hurting is just the general default of life. The older I get the more I think it is.
Running from the hurt has only caused more.
Maybe embracing it is the answer. I think so. I don’t think there is getting away from this hurt.
I think it’s something that will always be there. Something you always have to carry with you. Something you must always be braced for. Like rent or a mortgage payment or taxes. It’s the blind, the anti, the cost of playing the game.
Hurt is just the normal. So one has to learn how to play hurt.
Because there is no life without hurt.