diarrhea
I haven’t been able to get out of bed since… well pretty much Friday. That’s 5 days. Wow. That’s not good. No, that’s not right. I played squash on Saturday and saw a friend on Sunday.
Monday I stayed in bed. Same for yesterday. Today is Wednesday.
I had a shower today. That’s good. And I shaved. Haven’t left my room though besides that.
Been stuck since Sunday. Wrote in my journal about family stuff. Then have used social media to numb the deep discomfort of actually feeling things.
My friend has a kid. 11 months. I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 10 years. It would have been 10 years on Nov. 15th. Well now I’m confused my calendar said we started dating in 2017 so that would only make it 8 years.
I wonder why I thought it was 10 years?
Either way. It was a long time. At squash the other day the topic of making money came up. This year I’ve made $0.
I didn’t jump to offer up that info. Squash was fun. A good workout. I hadn’t played for a while so I got crushed but it was fun regardless.
I don’t really know what to do for money. Well I do but I don’t. There’s lots I could do. I just have to not think about it.
Just not think. Just do.
I ate two Meals Ready to Eat (MREs) that had been sitting in the freezer for maybe 2-3 years last night. It was the only thing I ate besides some oatmeal in the morning and a bowl of popcorn around dinner.
It’s given me diarrhea. It’s gross. I’ve been farting and dealing with stomach pain all morning.
I’m nervous. I’m going to see someone this evening. A girl. My friend FaceTimed me and I told him. He said to use Imodium. That’s a good idea. That was two hours ago.
I haven’t left my room since then.
I’m wondering why it’s been so hard for me to leave the house the past few days. I guess I’ve been sick with a cold. But I don’t know I don’t think that’s it.
I think it has more to do with… I’m not sure?
Podcast stuff? Maybe. Grandpa stuff? Maybe. Other family stuff? Maybe. Girlfriend stuff? Maybe. Other health stuff? I don’t think so but maybe. Job and money insecurity? Maybe.
Too high a dose of Vyvanse? Maybe. It’s been just over 5 weeks of taking it daily. I don’t know if it’s been helpful or not. Sometimes I think yes. Sometimes I think no.
The past two days I’ve felt it’s “focusing” effect not really working, causing the opposite really. It’s been tough to focus on any one thing long enough to do anything about it. I’ve been using mindfulness to observe myself switching focus unconsciously. Not sure how to stop it or if it’s the drugs or if it’s not being rested.
I haven’t slept well. Since the snoring machine test Thursday/Friday night I’ve been staying up watching either YouTube or movies on my phone full blast 5”-6” from my face.
I’d wake up groggy and not feeling rested and then go back to sleep or have a nap later in the day. Then I wouldn’t want to sleep again when night time rolled around and the cycle got worse.
That’s a common pattern for me. I guess something I could do tomorrow is get up early and leave the house or at least do something around the house outside. That might be good for me; setting up a “wake up” time instead of a bedtime. That’s worked for me before.
I don’t know man.
Sometimes I don’t know.