descending into madness
My teeth feel like they are going to fall out.
I had an active dream. It was sexual and violent and had many fluids.
My body aches. My beard is growing out. It makes me look ugly. Same with my hair. It is too long. I want to buzz it. If I buzz it though my face is fat and it will highlight that.
So vain. So vain.
My room is too hot. The sun is slowly rising. I am still lost. So lost.
It’s not fun anymore. I just want to be lobotomized like everyone else. Just be like everyone else. Too late. Too late.
It’s too late for that. It’s too late for that. You are trapped. I am trapped.
You don’t belong to yourself anymore. You are a slave. You are a slave.
I feel like a slave. I feel like a slave.
Set myself on fire. Drown myself. Jump into traffic. Hang from a tree.
Go for a walk. Just breath.
Run away from it all. Run away from myself. Run away from this hell.
I hate myself most days. I can’t get out of bed most days. I want to die most days. I am disgusted with myself most days. I think Im ugly most days. I think I am not a good person most days. I can barely function most days. I hide under my sheets most days. I think I’m a freak most days. I think I deserve nothing most days. I think I should be shot most days. I think I should be locked in a cage most days. I think I should be quartered and drawn most days. I think I should be shot by firing squad most days. I think I should die. I will die. Everyone dies.
I guess I just have to wait like everyone else most days.
Being me is not all that fun most days.
Cry me a fucking river you pussy.
I have no context. I’ve lost all context. I think everyone will die soon. I think I will die soon. I think I will. I know I will. Goodbye me.
I think I have been properly demoralized. Wether it was my own doing or someone else’s. It worked.
I am demoralized. I don’t have much in me in terms of morale.
I went for a walk outside. It is cold.
A bird flys by. Maybe I’m just playing pretend. Yeah probably. Because once I start doing something I’ll be fine. Everything is fine. I am fine.
Who cares if I want to die. I’ll forget about that soon. Like I always do.
Forget and forget. Be forgotten; maybe forgiven? Not by me. Forgiven in the sense that I’ll be forgotten. I will be forgot. Just like how I forget.
I forget everything. I just want to dump everything and walk away. I guess I could do that. I do that often.
Perhaps I’ll do that today. I like doing that. Dropping everything. It’s painful to watch people suffer. I don’t want to attach myself to their suffering anymore. They are all suffering and I am just hearing watching them.
Watching them hope and dream and get crushed by reality. Reality does have a crushing nature to it. Good for those who get their wins.
I’m happy for them. Because it is hard to eek those out. Nature has a way of always seeping into the clean rooms we create to keep it out. I guess that’s where the phrase ‘force of nature’ comes from.
I can see a mountain today. Just one or two. The bigger ones, further away, are covered by clouds. The squirrels are doing their thing still. Jumping from tree to tree. Storing pinecones somewhere; getting ready to reproduce. Spring is around the corner they say.
Yes I think there is a call to go.
I don’t know if it is God or Nature or an internal wound telling me to run away. But it says to go. And I think I will listen to it. Because it will not stop until I listen to it.
I think all these things I am doing I can do from the road. I do not need to be here in my cocoon. Not anymore at least.
Why am I having such a hard time with meaning? All this torture of myself surrounds it. Maybe this is my meaning. Maybe this other thing is my meaning. Maybe I have no meaning. Maybe there is no meaning?
All of it comes back to meaning. Why? Just let me think one thing and that’s it. Just let my thoughts stay constant for at least and hour please God. I don’t want to think all the time. I don’t want to think anymore. It is torture.
I think I have gone full crazy. If you have an antidote please send it my way.