control(debt)
Control.
Is control important? Most of me would say yes; although another portion would say no.
Why is control important? Because… it makes me feel in control. Less anxious. Like I can predict what happens next.
Why is that important? I don’t know, it makes me feel better.
Why does it make me feel better? I don’t know it just does.
I grew up watching my parents fight for control so it seems like that is what’s best for me too. I saw them fight to stay in control of their companies, their properties, their employees. I remember it being stated to me many times that when discussing ownership the most important thing is to be the one with the decision making power. The one with the 51% ownership; not the 49%. The 49% is as good as being useless. Maintain control. Always.
I think that was good advice but it also has led to an unwillingness to trust other people. To not dive into things. To leave projects when they don’t go my way or I suspect that they won’t. To distrust first in all things contractual. And frankly that’s served me well.
Served me well…. has it? It’s stopped me from taking on large obligations which I think is a good thing. I have no real debt. But I also have no real assets. I guess I have human capital and education if you count that. I have sleep debt and high cholesterol. Would I be any different if I took on more things? I don’t think so.
Debt for example. I have a huge aversion to debt. Personal. Business. Debt, period. It’s emotional. It’s spiritual almost. Most of the world is in debt.
To me real freedom is not having debt. I watched my parents live a large extravagant life with many material luxuries. And it was a nice life. But I also saw them wear an invisible weight on their shoulders.
The second home we had was a cross my mother bore. Always looking for vacationers to rent it to, always worried about people fucking the place up and costing money. Worry, worry, worry.
My dad the same. We bought this place. We own this and that. We sold that and bought this. Cool. But there was no peace. There was always next, always a deal around the corner to cement this deal and pay for the next.
Buying deals on credit. Leverage. It doesn’t make for easy sleeping.
Material things are nice. When you own them. Debt is like renting. You get to use it but do you really own it? Legally yeah but not really. If you break it, you still have to pay for it.
When you own something and you break it, you already payed for it. You can just throw it out and go on with your life. You don’t have to work it off.
I guess that’s the whole risk of debt. Why they call debt risky.
In my opinion debt is the reason why people do horrible things. Why there is war. Why there is famine. Schisms. Family drama. Suicides. It’s because of debt.
Debt is a drug. I guess it’s not bad by itself. It’s the warped relationships that form with it that are the problem.
It’s like gambling, or alcohol, or TikTok, or crack, or meth, or fentanyl. It won’t kill everyone, just most people. And if you can convince others or yourself that it’s just a matter of self control then it’s your own damn fault if you get in trouble.
Easy for me to say I guess. No dependents. Lifestyle financed by other peoples debt. I’m just writing about what I see.
When I lived in Ottawa I met a licensed insolvency trustee. He explained it to me. I thought about becoming one of those briefly.
I think about a lot of stuff. A lot about what I could become. What if I did this, what if I did that. I just usually do what I always have done. Go along with whatever comes up. What other people are doing. I’m the go along to get along type. Sometimes.
Anyways, those are some thoughts I had.
Goodbye for now.