being touched starved
I skipped swimming this morning. I slept in.
I think I am super fucked up. I was reading something I wrote about porn addiction the other day. Yesterday? Who knows.
And yeah I think I am touched starved. The only person who touches me is really myself and the occasional hug from a grandparent.
I guess I give my friend Erik and his sister a hug every once in a while.
Why am I fucking like this?
Who fucking knows.
I don’t fucking know anymore.
I don’t, fucking, know.
I go to Halifax next week.
I have nothing going on.
I went for a 10km trail run/hike with my friend on Tuesday. It cooked me. I don’t think I am ready for the half ironman. I think it will fuck me up pretty good.
Oh well. I guess I’ll try anyways. We’ll see if I’ll just die. I think I will. It might kill me.
I went to a movie and a friend of Erik’s was there. I guess kind of my friend but not that close. He is training for a 25-30km swim in Vermont next week. It made me excited. I talked to him about an idea for a swim challenge we could do together.
He knows I guy I played baseball with who is now a pro endurance sport person. I thought it would be cool to do the swim altogether/have him coach us for the swim and raise money for a car for Erik or for charity or for something like that.
He was the one who pitched the idea for a car for Erik and I liked the idea.
That reminds me of the event Erik wants to do in August, that’s coming up and I don’t know how to do that. Fuck.
I pitched the idea of fundraising to create a movie rather than for a charity.
I don’t fucking know anymore. I am for sure addicted to YouTube and my phone and maybe porn? Definitely porn. I haven’t jerked off to porn this year though. It’s been fucking really hard.
No pun intended.
I miss my ex still. I miss the feeling of being loved.
No I think I just miss the feeling of oxytocin from getting hugged and making eye contact with someone.
Fuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk.
I miss everything and nothing at the same time. I miss this and that and the other thing.
I miss no one and everyone. I miss myself.
Just calm down. Calm down.
Calm, the fuck, down.
Breath. In. Out. In. Out
In.
Out.
Breath.
It’s ok. You are ok. Everything is ok. Just breath.
You are ok. Life is ok. Things are ok.