battling my own bullshit
My own bullshit has reared its head.
It started yesterday. It was raining. I had set a goal to go to a subway station here and hand out flyers for the campaign.
I was able to go and pick up my passport which I renewed and I did have a brainstorm session with my friend. But I then crashed.
I could feel it coming on the Thursday. A deep fatigue brewing. But I pushed through.
When we finished the brainstorm I knew if I went back to the place I’ve been staying I wouldn’t leave.
In my head I kept saying to myself, “just go to the ttc”, “hand out just one flyer, build some momentum”.
Didn’t happen. I went back to my friends apartment; he stayed at his girlfriends. I was alone now; perfect.
I ate all the food in the fridge until I felt sick. I scrolled on instagram reels and YouTube until my brain felt like melting. I cancelled going to see some friends in the evening.
I desperately tried to summon some semblance of will power to do something positive. Something other than this snap back into lonely hedonism.
At least I didn’t watch porn. That’s a win. I said I ate all the food, I didn’t eat ALL the food. That’s a win. I didn’t wear my cpap but I did sleep. That’s a win.
Aaaaaaahhhhhhh. Uuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I’m in my feels, as the kids say.
It’s nice out this morning. Sunny. Weather report calls for sun today. Rain tomorrow and Monday.
Flub nuts.
I’m mad at myself for not doing campaign stuff yesterday. And really the day before too. My inner voice is yelling at me.
“Lazy. Fuck head. Loser. You’re behind now. Why did you even do this if you’re just going to lay about like you always do! - get up and active you pussy retard spoiled brat. Get moving you fucking piece of shit.”
Oof. That internal voice is so loud and so mean sometimes.
And it never actually works to get me to do stuff. It makes me just want to bury myself further and further under the covers. To hide. To become invisible.
A quote I like “if being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now”. Powerful. And so true.
The past five years I have been changing the way I speak to myself. To soften my language. That’s what’s truly effective. Self compassion is what they call it.
“Hey Raiden, I see you are tired today. You’ve been putting in a lot of work to this campaign and doing things that are putting you waaaayyyy out of your comfort zone. You are doing awesome.”
“You’ve also been following your triathlon training program this whole time. Great work! - you may have been pushing even a little too hard on this front and I suspect that might be contributing to some of this fatigue you are feeling. You also have a history of skipping meals and I think a calorie deficit this week might have contributed to those problem behaviours we saw last night.”
“You have already accomplished MUCH more than you were expecting this trip. I know your competitive side wants to burn the boats and lock in a win but realistically doing something high risk to get a lot of attention might take away more from you and your long term goals than any short term value it might provide.”
“Be patient and continue to be kind to yourself. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You are doing what you need to be doing to take care of yourself. Both body and mind.”
“Be kind. Be grateful. And continue to be hopeful. That is what’s been working for us. Keep it up. You got this.”
Thanks kinder inner voice. That makes me actually feel like doing stuff.
Funny how that works.
Be kind to yourself today.