baby binkie (4*/4)

28 Aug, 2025

something I wrote on wednesday (4*/4)¹

I am a baby who needs his binkie. My binkie makes be feel safe. My binkie is my friend. I love my binkie.

Now my binkie is a binkie but soon it will become something else. Next will be a stuffed rabbit named bunny. After that it would become using a pencil to clean the dirt out of my finger nails.

For a long time it would be nothing. Just feelings of awkwardness.

Then at 12 or 13 it became what it is today. Porn and food.

Porn is my binkie now. When I feel sad or stressed or overwhelmed. I use porn to soothe myself and distract me from my problems.

If it’s not porn it’s food. If I eat enough that uncomfortable anxious feeling goes away and is replaced with lethargy and sloth and a blood sugar spike and crash.

It started at 12 or 13 but more so became a problem at 16 or 17 when I moved schools. I lost my friends and had a hard time making new ones. So to avoid sleeping and starting the next day I would eat and watch YouTube and movies and porn and stay up as late as I could to avoid the loneliness of the next day.

I did that for a whole school year and it sucked. I moved schools for a baseball program. I did get better at baseball though, but at what cost?

So I moved back to my old school the following year. I had friends there and I was forgiven for leaving. I started to sleep again. I started to be happy again. I got a girlfriend and started having sex and a relationship and a social life. Life was not just watching porn and overeating to feel nothing anymore.

It was good. But the problems came back. Life is full of stressors and problems. It’s as sure as rain. A quote I saw today or yesterday is

“sinning feels like heaven until you try to stop”.

Now when I try to stop these behaviours it feels like trying to hold back a train at full speed. Sometimes I’m successful at it; but it’s a very powerful force.

I know I’m not the only one who deals with this. Most guys are exposed to porn that early, probably earlier. I wish I wasn’t because I don’t like it. It takes away from my relationships, my life, my higher self.

It’s kind of like being given access to cigarettes. Sure the cigarette won’t kill you or harm you the first pack or two but it’s the chronic use that kills you. For porn, I don’t know the full extent of the effect of chronic use but it’s not good. For the brain and body but definitely not good for the soul.

For food and overeating I’m positive if I don’t get a hold of that it will kill me. Sugar cravings and fatty foods have made me gain +100lbs since 2020. Forever I would hover around the 180-190lbs mark and now I’m up hovering between 260-280lbs.

Disordered eating and eating disorders among men aren’t that uncommon either.

If I could build up the courage to go see a doctor I’d give myself over 50% chance of them saying I have diabetes or am at least pre-diabetic.

I built up the courage to go to the dentist for the first time in about 4 years. It’s because I had a tooth ache. I haven’t built up the courage to check if I have insurance or not so I paid out of pocket but it’s better than just letting it fester I guess.

It’s funny. Life’s funny. I’m funny. Funny is a funny word. It’s kind of a contextual word. Like fuck. That’s another contextual word.

Now I’m just writing to write. Here is a skunk that got into the garbage the other day. It was big.

Not sure if I should keep writing or wrap this up. I guess I’ll wrap it up and if I want to keep writing do that in a different piece. Feels like this is getting long winded.

Good luck out there.