an hour or so inside my brain
Focus mode engage. I have not sat to write in a few days. That’s a lie; I’ve been writing with pen and paper in a journal. That’s been healthy. I think.
It’s 2:51PM. I’ll write until 3:51PM. Woof, that’s a tall order. Not sure if I’ll be able to do that.
Let’s reflect on my goals for the year…
Goal 1 was run a half iron man. Two months in, that’s going pretty good. Consistent with the exercise. Could be more disciplined with the nutrition.
Goal 2 quitting porn. Also doing pretty good on that front. Although a few nights I’ve fallen into the trap of looking; I have not actively masturbated assisted by porn (sorry for the graphic details dear reader). I’m actually pretty stoked by this feat. Lust is one of those big scary monsters controlling me so it feels good to be out from under its thumb a bit.
I should knock wood. Temptation comes when you are least ready to resist it.
Goal 3 a podcast a week. I think we have hit that goal. Going good so far. Not as far along the technical journey as I’d like to be but further than I was last year this time.
Goal 4 a video post a week. Not well. I think I am at zero for this one. Why’s that? Well I think it’s a self image thing. A not wanting to embarrass myself or look cringe thing. A not knowing where to start thing. A what if I do it wrong thing. A what if I say too much thing. A overthinking it thing.
I’ve wanted to do video essays on topics I find interesting. Shorts/Reels. Talking into the camera but also animations and other Youtuber type videos. I’d like to make them specific to my geographic location. Alberta context; but also Raiden context. Raiden neighbourhood and schooling and the people I interact with but that feels too close to home in a way. It feels like I will be painting people with the paintbrush of my opinion who didn’t ask for it. A privacy violation, sure of myself, but also of others. So that makes me hesitate, nervous, freeze.
Goal 5 was to sleep better. That’s going well. I got a cpap machine at the end of last year and it feel like it’s working.
What other goals did I have…?
I feel like I had other ones. I should probably make a money goal. I spoke with a mentor last week and she challenged me to get a job and move out by next month. A scary goal but definitely doable (I say as I’m feeling good and not depressed today).
I had a coffee with someone she introduced to me. He was a cool guy. He and his dad hiked Mt. Everest in the 80s together. He had some other travel stories that were interesting.
When my co-host Erik got hurt 10 or so years ago; while in the hospital he said he’d like to recover and climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. He had travelled to the base camp in high school and even before his injury spoke about wanting to return to climb it.
The idea of doing that with him has been spinning around my mind recently. It started when a friend of his mentioned he wanted to cross the English Channel and raise money/awareness for Erik or spinal cord injuries. Then again we had a friend (acquaintance? a guy I went to high school/played baseball with? An inspiration?) of mine Nick Pelletier who does extreme endurance challenges on the podcast and the thought came to me again.
3:15PM, taking a break by standing up and staring out a window. No phone or other distractions. Did I mention I’m at the library now.
Ok I’m back. 3:20PM. I lied I didn’t stare out the window. I looked at a Truth and Reconciliation book by that one MP who wrote Indian in the Cabinet. Her situation pisses me off because the Liberal party threw her under under the bus for the SNC-Lavilan corruption scandal to save Trudeau some face. She took the fall for him which was totally contradictory to the parties stance of championing Indigenous and Women’s movements. But maybe I just don’t know the full story. Just my opinion man.
The other thing I looked at was an Alberta Conservation Magazine. There was an ad there for an organization that funds a program that puts collars on mule deer. An interesting flip through. Flip through or flip threw? Not sure on the grammar there.
It made me think to reach out to this biologist I saw speak last night at a community centre near my parents place. He spoke about indigenous trout species to Alberta and efforts to save them; they are not in good shape. He gave a good talk; perfect level of information and humour. I would like to have him on our podcast. That would be cool I think.
While I was looking at the conservation magazine this older guy came close to me and switched out a newspaper he must have been reading for a different one. Not a big deal just he got close enough to make me think “what the hell dude, back up”. Personal space violation. Not a huge deal; just thought it was noteworthy to report.
So yeah getting back to climbing mount Kilimanjaro; a few years back (more than +5 years, yeah it was before the pandemic, so maybe closer to 10 years) I went to this event that different non-profits pitched themselves to funders in a pitch competition type thing. One of them that presented was a non-profit that takes people with spinal injuries up mountains in the summer time and skiing in the winter. That also made me think of this goal to climb a mountain with Erik as something that is possible.
A stretch goal. I don’t think this year. Or even next year but something to work towards. A North Star to work towards.
The first half the year is focusing on the half ironman. Then the next goal will be to fight in this MMA champions creed thing that my friend fought in. It’s like a 21-week bootcamp and you fight a (I think sanctioned) event in an octagon against another participant. My idea is to do that and raise money for… Erik.
That’s the thing about money. I want and think I could be good at raising money for stuff. I just hate the money system like so fundamentally that it kind of makes me sick to participate with it.
Like I guess ideally I would do these fun events to raise money for Erik, for the podcast, for myself.
The first goal I think would be to raise money for a van for Erik. That way him and I could have a bit more flexibility in getting around. In going to events or places. Mobility is what it would allow for.
I guess I just don’t really know how to make that work. How to do that. I know it is possible but I get stuck at the structure of it. There are so many rules when it comes to business and finance and money that once I start thinking about it or how to follow the rules I lose all interest in it. It makes it not fun at all.
The real thing to do is say "fuck it we ball" and just do whatever it takes to make it happen. That’s what good entrepreneurs do and they swallow the risk of getting in trouble. Most entrepreneurs are blind to that risk and are figuring it out as they go. I feel like I am too cognizant of the risk and that acts as a barrier to my commitment.
So yeah. That’s what I’m thinking about today.
3:42PM. 9 minutes of writing left to go.
I’m hungry. Didn’t eat anything today. I had two coffees, a lot of water, and one water with electrolytes at the start of the day.
Erik and I recorded a podcast again today. Another person commented on the comment from the other day. There’s a good discussion going on in that video's comment section which is cool.
Life’s alright I guess.
Thursday today. 29 years old. I turn 30 in just under two months. Crazy.
My Dad had just turned 30 when he had me. Wow. My one Grandpa had four kids, the other three. Wow, wow, wow.
Kids. Crazy. Maybe one day; not today.
I feel like I’m just starting to become an adult.
And even then not really.
Time 3:53PM. Done.