a precarious life
I will take the next 40 minutes to write. I don’t know what I’ll write about but I can’t stop writing until 11AM. Hmmm, what should I write about?
I have to use the bathroom. But I think that is mostly an excuse to not write. I have a dirty dish next to me. I could wash or rinse and put into the dishwasher. I have a bed I could make and a lot of cleaning I could do. Jobs I could apply for. Errands to run before going to my Uncle’s art show for noon. I have a podcast episode to edit, that I am scared to even start because I don’t know how. Still haven’t installed linux on my desktop; could do that. Could play video games or scroll on instagram. Could edit the 4 or 5 blog posts I’ve written since my last one. Could post them. Could workout.
There is a lot I could do. I guess that’s why I am procrastinating. It feels a bit overwhelming. Overwhelm is a good way to describe what I’m feeling.
Underneath that I guess none of that stuff I listed before feels like it’s bringing me closer to what I’m missing in my life. What I’m missing is a sense of security. I read the word that describes my life at the moment the other day but now I forget it. It’s a word kind of like precarious. A word that describes temporary, a state of living that is not controlled by oneself.
That is how my life feels.
I am living at my parents place but that is at the generosity of them. And their ability to be that generous is precarious. Their lives are and the ability to have a place to live are currently being upheld by the generosity of my grandpa. His generosity is precarious too. I am not all that convinced that my parents aren’t using him to stay alive and stave off a life of their own precariousness. He is old and wealthy and very generous and I love him very much. But he will die soon and this, I predict, will alter the family forever in perhaps not nice ways.
I have no source of income which is precarious. My employment record so far has been precarious. Most places of employment I’ve been exposed to seem to want robots not humans as employees. Or at least I have not been exposed to a job or vocation where that is not the case.
If you know of a position that is hiring for human traits, please forward it my way.
I have savings but those are dwindling. Precarious how far those will be getting me.
I can lift heavy things, for now. But I am old in the eyes of an employer now and weaker than a younger man. Precarious as well.
I can talk and make others laugh, for now. But many can do this and I do not derive joy from this ability when I am under coercion to do it. In fact I find it is difficult to perform when I am under coercion to do it.
I love money but don’t really have the patience to make it. I am not organized. I don’t like to hold a schedule or get back to people in a timely manner. I dislike having to persuade others, especially when they are being difficult. I’m not that great at math or really anything technical. I am quick to anger and slow to forget. I am jealous and petty. I am envious and greedy. I abhor authority.
I find it tough to apply for jobs that ask me to be anything but what I am. And most jobs want an actor. Someone desperate enough to do what they are told and then some.
In university and growing up I heard of jobs that paid well and essentially just required you to socialize and drink and have people over at your house and have fun. I want to have that job. But to be honest I haven’t found it and I’m starting to realize that it might not exist. Or well, I think it does but I don’t have the social skills to get it yet.
Those are the best jobs. Overpaying and underworking. Owning.
Yes, yes. I wish to be an owner. Owners do not need to worry because the thing they own keeps them alive. Owners own people. And people have been proven to keep themselves and others alive. I want to own people.
I want to own people like I’ve seen them owned. Because then I would not need to worry of things like shelter and food, and getting dressed in the morning. The people I own could do that for me. I would not need to worry of having a job. The people I own could have the job for me.
I could worry about things like the future, who to have over for dinner, what kind of party I should throw, what kinds of things I should have and not have, what is my health status and can I improve it. Not have to worry about pleasing the master whose desires change on a whim. Whose personality is unpredictable and who may throw me to the dogs or out in the cold at a moment of displeasing him.
Really in modern times it is worse than a master it is more the social group. It is nefarious the company that says it is the family. I have not seen much families cast out their loved ones for poor performance or speaking their mind. I have not seen much families require performance as a requirement for acceptance.
Oh wait, yes I have. I have seen it many times and in many places. It is ubiquitous, but I am starting to believe that it might not be very healthy.
Ok, four more minutes. I want to post this but also am fearful I will be deemed a communist. I don’t say that the slave/master dynamic is bad. I only wish to say that I would prefer to be the master because being the slave sucks.
But right now I do not know how to become the master. And I don’t really want slaves but it seems to be the whole model of the system we live in. Owner/employee, master/slave, king/serf. I just want to be free and to be creative and not have to always be thinking about how fleeting and temporary my living situation is.
I’m not sure if that will ever happen but I hope it does one day.
Ok, it’s 11 I can stop writing now.
Bye.