a little baby pussy
The last day of the year. Great.
I broke up with the girl I’ve been seeing on Monday. She cried. On Tuesday I slept all day.
Now it’s Wednesday.
I missed my long run yesterday; I’m supposed to do a long bike ride today. Zone 2 heart rate and all.
I missed taking my drugs Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Makes me feel a bit dizzy this morning. Whatever. It’s a nice sunrise this am; you can see the mountains.
I don’t even know what to write about. I hated breaking up with her; that sucked. I don’t want to write about it.
My friend is taking me to a flames game today. That’s good. I ignored his phone call yesterday. We are supposed to do a podcast before hand and then a podcast during…
I think I am just a big fucking pussy. Wah wah wah. Crying all the time. Just shut the fuck up you fucking baby. Yeah a baby. A little baby pussy.
That’s what I am.
My brother went skiing yesterday. I should have gone too. Christmas tree is still up. I ate four fistfuls of chocolate the night before last. Made me feel sick. Ate two handfuls of saltwater taffy last night; made me feel sick. At least I ate the leg of a rotisserie chicken; that’s better than just candy.
A truck drives by on the highway.
Am I a fucking idiot? Feels that way somedays.
Writing writing writing, about nothing really. Writing, writing, writing, about whatever comes into my head. Writing writing writing, I wish I was fucking dea... I wish I had a job and a wife and three kids and all I complained about was if taxes were up or down or sideways or whatever. That would be the life. That would be the life.
Fuck all this bullshit going around. War and disease and depression and fucking chaos. Fuck that shit. I fucking hate that shit.
I guess that’s what I get to deal with.
Weltschmerz. That’s my problem. That’s the problem maybe. Or maybe there are no problems and the only problem is my need to attach myself to the idea that there is a problem.
Just be the buddha, detach from everything. Let everything go. There is nothing just now.
Fuck that shit. It’s kind of useful but also not at all. I don’t want to detach and let everything go. I want meaning and structure and stuff and people.
Is that, just, not allowed?
Maybe that’s, just, allowed for other people.